Loki's journey

The Other End of the Leash

2011-12-11T08:19:00.006-05:00

[Hello to new folks coming to visit thanks to the shout out on Nosafeword! And thanks, Sparky!]

Several weeks ago, OJ mentioned that he wanted to try some pup play. I wasn't terribly surprised, given that he gets more excited than my actual K9 whenever I pick up a leash. We still haven't had a real pup play "scene", but I've been slowly working some aspects in other play and encounters. He's certainly taken well to the collar and being on all fours.

Thanks to pup Leo, we quickly identified him as a beagle, but then began the search for the proper pup name. Lots of options and suggestions have come along thanks to my twitter friends and his own ideas. Elmo and Beaker were in popular running for a while, given the way he squeaks when tickled, but neither seemed quite right. OJ himself was pushing for "Frostbite" as he's always cold. In the end, and despite his protestations, I've settled on "Tebow." After all, he looks damn good in football gear and if he's wearing a Broncos jersey, I'll get much more satisfaction from flogging and/or spanking him. Plus the name has been blessed by SIR Alan and pup Nitro, two guys whose opinions I have a great deal of respect for. In fact, Nitro sent me an idea for a t-shirt...

In other random news, I was asked to help out with a demo being put on by one of the local pro Dommes, Mistress Kountessa. I was a little surprised, but I was willing to give it a shot. The demo was being put on for the T-Girls ball last week, which was a neat event. I enjoyed getting to chat with the crowd but around 11 it was time for us to get going. It would have been nice for the DJ to have given us a bit of a cue, however. I was off fiddling with the spotlight, trying to figure out the best way to light the demo area without blinding the players when the music started and he announced the start of the demo. Kountessa was wandering through the audience looking for her "volunteer" while I was backstage tearing into my backpack to get my ropes out and ready. Luckily the setup song gave us some extra time for me to straighten out my ropes while Kountessa called up her nervous audience member - played by the lovely Natalie, a pro sub out at 1763 - and teased her with the riding crop. On Kountessa's cue, I crept out from backstage, lasso'd Natalie, and tied her to a stripper pole. The first rope held her arms and upper body to the pole, got a second around her ankles, and then out came the (safety) scissors. Kountessa and I destroyed Natalie's dress, leaving her tied to the pole in bra, panties and high heels. I retired back stage to handle the lights as the second song came on and Kountessa moved on to some of her toys - particularly a bull whip that she was cracking in time to the music as Natalie squirmed and screamed. Floggers and the crop also came into play as the second song moved to the third and final, and Natalie's cries of pain and fear turned into delight. The song ended with natalie's "happy ending" from the riding crop. I went out to untie Natalie and help her down as Kountessa took her bows, and Natalie tore away to go kneel before her and cry that she didn't want to leave. I had to drag her off stage, kicking and screaming to try and get back to her mistress.

All in all, it was a lot of fun and I was really glad to get to participate. Plus, I got to wear my nasty pig gear. :)

Lows and Highs

2011-11-20T21:18:00.004-05:00

Over the past couple of weeks, I've had a number of experiences ranging from downright depressing to pretty damn exciting. In a few cases, those experiences were happening at the same time. I'm trying to move from low to high, so I'll start with the purely bad.

I had my three-month followup with the back surgeon, and the prognosis was, essentially, that if I don't have any relief yet, then it almost certainly means permanent nerve damage and I'm simply going to have to learn to live with this pain. Ok, well, at least I know, and the fact that I can now resume normal physical activity up to the point that I can't stand the pain means that I really can start learning to live with it.

Off in the BDSM world, another low point is a lesson that was reinforced. No matter how well you plan a scene, or how well you think it's going to work, sometimes it just doesn't. I helped out with what seemed like it should have been an amazingly hot abduction scene before our quarterly Dominion play party. The execution seemed to go well, but our "victim" didn't react as well as we thought he would, which put him in a bit of a funky mood, which put his boyfriend (who had planned the event as a way to surprise said victim who had fantasized about this) in a funky mood.

This really drove home the key lesson that I've learned from Master Dan. No matter how much a Top/Dom might say something along the lines of "what you want is irrelevant, it's all about what pleases me," when you get right down to it, part of the Top's responsibility is finding a way to put the bottom/sub into the right headspace or finding a way to force the sub to serve in a way that's psychologically rewarding to them. It's a bit of a distant second then to satisfy their own desire to control and dominate. That said, part of that desire to control, for me at least, is developing the skill to successfully read the sub, to know when and how to push.

So, when a scene goes wrong, even when it seems like it should have been an awesome experience for all involved, I can't blame the bottom. They weren't the ones driving the play and calling the shots. All I can do is learn and move on, and start working on rebuilding the trust that I lost with my misstep.

Moving from the low to the bittersweet, at today's play party I came across some of Master Dan's stuff in a chair. I'd been having some good scenes, was really in the Top-headspace, but tucked into the pile was a collar. The first collar I ever wore as a sub/pup. The collar that had, for over a year, carried a tag that read "Loki, Property of Sir". And the tag wasn't on it anymore.

When I first saw Master Dan and big brother Alvin at the party, I saw their new boy hanging around, looking shy. I knew he was coming, and am glad he found them. When I noticed he was wearing a choke chain style collar with a padlock, I felt a small twinge of guilt and jealously, along with a little thought that it should have been me. But this transition has been happening for a while, and it wasn't really a shocker. When I saw the leather collar in the pile, though, it just slammed into me like a ton of bricks, and I had to take a few minutes to just sit and process. I'm not someone's boy anymore, and mentally I've changed enough that I don't think I'll ever really be able to be in that space. But it still hurt to see a reminder of what I've given up to follow this path.

But the high point is what I've gained. In the last week I've reduced two boys to shuddering, helpless sobs, but in a good way. I've taken them places and pushed them in directions they didn't even realize were available paths. At today's party alone I had the opportunity to assert control in one form or another over at least six different guys, all of whom clearly enjoyed the experience (even the moody abductee). Life may be changing in ways I hadn't expected, but however many regrets I have over leaving one stage behind, this new stage has amazing rewards as well.

On being a top

2011-11-01T10:50:00.005-04:00

I'm starting to get used to this "Sir" thing, though it's still a little weird. Topping isn't the issue, as I'm definitely enjoying tormenting the boy. Being the one making all the decisions has been a bit more odd, since I'm generally pretty laid back. When it comes time for dinner, I tend to not want to just say "we're going to X to eat" because I genuinely want to know what others are in the mood for. But when it comes to the boy, making the decisions based on what I want is what he expects and needs. Still, I'm getting it into my head that some things I do work, and some others don't, and I'm working toward shifting the balance toward the former.

Added a twitter feed on the sidebar, can follow me there as @atlloki.

And now the pics of a few of the mean things I've been doing...

Catching Up

2011-10-16T09:31:00.007-04:00

So I'm way behind in posting. Here's the short version.

Collared the boy.

Back surgery.

Dragon*Con.

Traveling for work.

That brings us up to the present, so now I can get into the details. :)

Had a good time last night at the whippersnappers party. The boy and I met up with our pup friends and their visiting friend Jason for a maskerade/costume party hosted by the Atlanta 40-and-Unders pansexual BDSM group. The rest of them went with football uniforms while I did chaps, motorcycle jacket, and helmet. They choose better, cause I was hot and sweaty all night. :)

The whippersnappers group is pretty laid back. There was a lot more talking and watching than hardcore play, with just a few scenes going on in the 1763 dungeon.

I threw a rope harness on the boy pretty early and left him tied up in the football uniform (with pads) for a while. I choose poorly when I was packing the bag, though, since my long rope was all black and he had on a black jersey, so it didn't show up as well as I would like.

After a quick trek through the kitchen for some water and snacks, we rolled the standing cage out of the corner and got the pvc pipes for the idea that Master Dan came up with. No pics from last night, but for those who haven't seen, here's a setup with the boy from our photo shoot a couple months ago:

The boy went in first, and I laced the poles up pretty tightly before letting the other three go to town on tickling him. I think pup leo put it best when he said the boy sounds like dying muppet when he's tickled. :)

After that, we took the boy out and put our out-of-town visitor in since we wanted to be sure he got the chance to try it out. J got a little more intense bondage in the cage as leo also gagged and blindfolded him before tying his head in place in addition to the laced poles. I should add that J is also quite ticklish, so we had fun with that. :)

As usual at the dungeon parties, we got a pretty positive reaction from people who hadn't seen the cage + poles trick before. Lots of straight women came up to tell us that it was a really hot scene. :) I had been a little worried that despite being a "pansexual" group, the whippersnappers wouldn't be completely comfortable with a group of new gay guys coming in to join their group and their party, but everyone seemed really cool about it.

leo's pup mitts made the rounds - I think everyone but me had them on at some point during the night. pup brian was mostly "alpha" rank for the evening, but it was VERY weird for me to be the only "sir" in our group. The fact that I was the oldest by several years was also quite strange. It's not like I was in charge of anyone except the boy, but it was still something I was conscious of even when I was pup-roughousing with leo or Jason.

I was glad to get the chance to play with everyone, though, since it was a laid back, no pressure sort of party. No sex and not a lot of nudity, though there were some bare-assed women getting paddled, our crew was mostly shirtless and another guy had a fantastic jockstrap'd ass with custom knee-length chaps that our boot blacking and leathecrafting friend Elegant made.

And that was my night. Will try to be more on the ball about posting in the future. :)

What I Want in a Boy

2011-08-08T07:36:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago, a young man I've been playing with asked me what at first seemed like a simple question: "what are you looking for in a boy?" I started to give a quick answer, but hesitated. My fetlife profile has had "a sub" in my looking for section, and that's true as far as it goes. I like finding submissive boys I can tie up, flog, edge, tickle, paddle, and generally torment, but this was a deeper question than just someone asking what scenes I liked or how I liked to play. He was asking me about a true Sir/boy dynamic, and that was one I honestly hadn't thought about with respect to myself and what I would/should expect and want out of such an arrangement. So I've been working on this post for about three weeks, revising, adding, changing, fretting.

In general, as a Sir, I want to be a guide and mentor as well as a disciplinarian. Master Dan has been such a wonderful part of my life, opening my eyes to new experiences and helping me understand myself. I feel a sense of responsibility to pass that guidance along.

As far as specific points, I think the place to start is with three things I'm not looking for.

1) I'm not "old guard". I don't expect a boy to be a pace and a half behind me at all times, speak only when spoken to, wear only 501 jeans and a white tshirt, etc.

2) I don't want a slave. I expect feedback, not simply acceptance of my decisions because they are my decisions. I want someone who can think for themselves, tell me what they want, and still accept that sometimes they'll get what I want instead.

3) I don't care about the laundry lists of "into" and "not into" beyond having an agreeable overlap in our "into" lists.

With that out of the way, I think the "credo" any boy would need to agree with would go something like this.

1) Awareness and Acceptance
This is probably the most important point. I've spent a long time thinking about my priorities in life, and I have a husband who is not into kink. We are in love, and I think Bootbrush got it exactly right in one of his recent posts: "We fell in love - slowly, and without Hollywood fireworks or day-time soap dramas: just a gradual process of learning to live together with quiet compassion and respect." He is my priority in life, and any BDSM relationships, scenes, or play will always come secondary to that. This is not to say that any boy I were to take on would not be a part of my life and deserving of my attention and respect for him, but he would need to understand what his place would be in my priorities.

2) Honesty
I expect any boy to be honest with me about what he wants, what he doesn't like, when he's pleased with something, and when he's troubled. I have thick skin, and I can take criticism as well as compliments. I want to know when something doesn't work, because that ties into the second main principle - if we're not enjoying ourselves, we're doing it wrong. Yes, BDSM play can be serious, and it can involve incredibly deep headspaces and personal exploration. In fact, I believe that good BDSM play should be at least part therapy session. But at the root of it, enforcing and inflicting scenes that one party, whether the top or the bottom, just arren't into will only result in boredom and disappointment.

I also want to know if there are any questions, anything the boy wants and isn't getting. "Why" is not a dirty word, even if the answer may sometimes be "because that's what I want."

3) Respect
As a counterpoint to the above, I expect a boy to be free to talk about what he liked or didn't like about something, but I expect him to do so respectfully. However relaxed I may be as a dominant, this is still a power exchange relationship, and I do expect direct orders to be obeyed and any comments to be made in a respectful way. Part of that respect means bringing any concerns to me rather than complaining about them to someone else. This is a small community and word will make it back.

4) Willingness to test limits
We all have our list of likes, don't likes, and hard limits. As I said above, I generally like for scenes to involve something that both the top and the bottom enjoy. Sometimes, however, I may want to do something that the boy isn't particularly into and, to a certain extent, I expect the boy to make an effort to at least understand why I'm doing it. I certainly expect the boy to realize that sometimes these type of scenes are part of a lesson in sublimating his own desires to mine, and try to find a path toward enjoying that aspect as a means of enjoying the otherwise unpleasant activity.

I also expect the boy to push himself, with my help and guidance, on activities that may be enjoyable at one level but scary at a higher level. I don't intend to be hounding the boy at every turn, but I do want to see his horizons broadened.
Patience

5) Sex
Elephant in the room. I'm not big on making scenes about sex, either for me or the boy. That said, there's so much fun to be had with cock, balls, and ass that doesn't involve sex, and the boy has to be willing to accept that. One of my favorite things is CBT, and any boy had better expect to take occasional slaps to the balls. Oral has often been a part of scenes for me, and I want to keep it that way. I like tasting cock, and I like holding a boy's hair and pulling him onto mine. Maybe not an absolute requirement, and certainly not needed for a scene, but it really adds something. On the flip side, I'm not much into fucking, either as a top or bottom. I wouldn't mind finding someone for that occasional pleasure, but it's definitely not something I need in a boy.

6) Other Players
Given the rules about my husband in number one, any prospective boy should not expect me to play exclusively with him. I have a pretty sizable group of folks that I already play with, and I don't plan to stop. Furthermore, whatever aspects of dominance I've brought out lately, pup loki is still here, still a part of me, and the pup belongs to Master Dan. I don't know how other households or groups work with that dynamic, but I expect any boy of mine to consider Master Dan his superior as well.

The flipside is I don't expect any boy to play exclusively with me, but I do expect to be informed of any other play and for my permission to be sought. The boy should remember his place and seeking me out prior to any other play will serve as that reminder.

7) Time
Tying into the above, any boy should realize that I have a stressful job that occupies a lot of my time and a fairly busy social schedule. I am not much for drop of the hat playtimes - not because I don't enjoy them, but because my calendar books up weeks in advance. A potential boy should realize that I will not have tons of free time to spend with him, however much I enjoy those sessions.

Woof.

2011-07-23T22:01:00.004-04:00

There was a boy...

2011-07-11T20:27:00.003-04:00

In the past couple of weeks, I've had the chance to escort/mentor/top a wonderful young man who is just discovering the world of BDSM. I'm insanely jealous, because he found it about 13 years younger than I did, but also insanely grateful for the chance to watch his journey.

Two weeks ago, I invited him out to 1763 for an educational forum and play party. I knew he was still a bit nervous about meeting up for play, and I knew he'd appreciate the group/semi-public play aspect of an open dungeon. Over the course of that evening we sat through a fairly disappointing class (let's sit around and listen to everyone tell their story of 'when this happened to me') before the public play began. Once the play did get started, however, I was able to tune out the rest of the space. I spent probably an hour tying the boy up into what I thought was a pretty nice looking rope harness. It involved about 250 feet of rope in total, and wound up with him tied to the support beam of a suspension cage and almost completely unable to move. After I got him down from that - I still need to work on tying knots that allow for longer term bondage without digging in too tightly - we spent a little time decompressing, going over the knots, and poking around in my toy box.

The boy seemed quite taken with a few of the items therein, especially the hoods. I had two with me, one heavy neoprene blackout and one lightweight spandex with blindfold. Eventually, we got up to wander again and at his urging, I made a quick leash out of a piece of rope and tied it to the collar I'd put on him for the night while he slipped into a set of handcuffs and passed me the key. In his own thoughts on the evening, the boy nailed it when he said, "I perceived that I was asking someone who was mostly submissive to take on a significantly dominant role in order to fulfill one of my fantasies." I can't disagree with this. I genuinely want someone I'm playing with, whether I'm topping or bottoming, dominating or submitting, to have a good time. I suppose that's a somewhat submissive attitude, but there it is.

After touring the dungeon to take a look at some other scenes and watching a friend of mine get suspended shibari-style, I decided it was time to take a bit more charge. I led the boy back to my toybox, pulled out the spandex hood, and slipped it on him. I could tell he was both nervous and excited at the thought of being out in public with so little control, and I knew I'd made the right choice. I sat down where I could watch the shibari work and pulled the boy down to kneel next to me. This way I could run my hands over him while I watched, and I began to use my fingernails to generate some (hopefully) pleasant sensations. I never got below his waist with my hands, but the wrestling singlet he was wearing made it pretty clear that he was enjoying the attention. I could also tell, despite his face being covered, that he was beginning to drift off into that wonderful endorphin cloud known as subspace. It was an incredible experience to watch his mind get blown and know it was from something I was doing.

I've written in the past about how I always felt guilt as a bottom that the top was making me the center of attention and doing all the work. Now that I've been on the top side, I think I can finally accept that yes, it really can be just as much fun for the top.

As much fun as putting him down into subspace was, I think watching him come back out of it was even better. It wasn't until I took the hood off that I realized how far down he'd gone. As soon as I could see his eyes, though, I knew I had to put my arms around him and help bring him back to the real world slowly. Sitting down, holding him as his brain came back into focus, and knowing that I was the one who'd had the power to put him there was pretty intoxicating.

One of the best parts of the evening, however, came over the next few days. Word got back to me from some of the folks who had been watching the scene between us - folks I had no idea were even there at the time. They all agreed that it was an amazing energy we were putting off and were amazed at how in sync we seemed to be. For someone like me who hasn't had many opportunities to be on the top side of the equation, that's a pretty damn nice compliment.

Unexpected Breakthrough

2011-06-29T15:33:00.008-04:00

Some time ago, I mentioned to MD that I would kind of enjoy playing with a mutual friend of ours, Sir Brian. MD passed the word along, Sir Brian agreed that He'd love to, and after an aborted attempt to play at SELF (scheduling just didn't work out), we finally got the chance on Sunday. The day started with a quick buzzcut from MD, since I was getting shaggy. You never think about just how sensual a haircut can be until it's someone you know, respect, and have tremendous fondness for giving it to you while you're sitting naked in their kitchen with a couple of friends watching. Or maybe it's just me.

After that, MD and Alvin put me in the new muzzle (mmmmm) and sleepsack for a bit (He swears it was an hour, but I think it was more like 15 minutes). It was certainly a nice way to relax and get into at least an initial layer of subspace, even if MD did keep poking me with a vibrator. He swears it's supposed to feel good, but i just smile and nod.

Sir Brian arrived while i was in the sleepsack and gota chance to socialize with the others a bit while i was off on my own, but after I came out it was time for some flogging. We used the suspension cuffs and I got to keep the new muzzle (mmmmm) on. Sir Brian went to work, and i learned quickly that He has a very different style from MD. Instead of long buildups with a particular flogger, Sir Brian liked to switch back and forth among different ones pretty quickly. A few times I wished He would keep going a little longer with a given toy, since getting into the rhythm of steady, non-limit-pushing strokes is one of the ways I usually go down into subspace. All the while though, Sir Brian never pushed too hard with any of the strokes. There were some sets that i thought were going to cross the edge, but He always stopped just before it got beyond that point. A few times i actually wished He would go a bit further in the pushing.

What you may see here is me being overly analytical, and in truth, all this stuff was in fact going through my head while the flogging was going on. Not necessarily critical, but definitely analyzing, which is part of why i kind of wished he'd settle on some steady strokes for a while and help me put my brain to sleep. In hindsight, i realize that's not a bad thing - the constant switching kept me focused on the flogging rather than letting my brain wander off and think about needing to walk the dog, or get a run in, or finishing that project at work, etc.

Then he let me down, and i was a bit disappointed because i wanted more. Go figure. But as i sat down on the floor, everything just rushed out of me. i put my head in Sir Brian's lap and just went away for a while. It was kind of a mental high, half-crying/half-giggling, incredibly grateful, weird feeling. It's like all of the endorphins i hadn't really been feeling during the flogging suddenly reared back and decked me all at once. I didn't want Sir Brian to think He'd gone too far, but i couldn't really say anything and i think He understood.

At this point, good writing style demands a conclusory paragraph summarizing the moral of the story. I don't know what else to say, though. It was a spiritual experience, and let's leave it at that.

Updates

2011-06-17T07:25:00.004-04:00

Yes, I've been slacking on updates.

Last check in:

Weight: 210 pounds

Body Fat: 22.0%

Today:

Weight: 203

Body Fat: 21.2

So 7 pounds over two weeks, not bad. The fitness work is progressing. I'm getting the running in, but haven't brought any strength training back yet. I met with the new physical therapist yesterday, so we'll see what she says about options there. The diet changes are getting into gear. Alcohol consumption is down, salad and fish consumption are up. Still eating the raisin bran, but only until I finish the boxes in the pantry. :)

Other news, SELF was great despite not getting any playtime. I volunteered to work some security shifts and wound up on duty during both dungeon parties, lol. At least I got to observe some really hot scenes, and suck up some great energy. Two stood out in particular, for very different reasons.

One involved a wonderful woman ("M") I'd heard about but never met - a friend of Sir and Alvin's. She came by to chat while I and Sir Brian were working shifts and Brian happened to complain that women always seemed to like watching two guys going at it, but rarely returned the favor. M retorted that that was because most gay men were afraid of boobs. I couldn't disagree with her overall, but Sir Brian and I both worked to convince her that we enjoyed seeing hot scenes regardless of the genders involved. It worked, because M agreed to bring her previously planned scene from the privacy of a hotel room to the dungeon party! I didn't get to watch her whole scene, since I was on security/DM duty during the party, but I spent as much time as possible keeping an eye on her and her partners. And it was a beautiful scene - M bottoming for another woman and a man. The energy between the three of them, and with the appreciative audience was such an incredibly positive experience. And to top it off, M found me afterward to thank me for pushing her into playing in public since it heightened the experience all around.

The other scene was fairly low key, but was great to see because of getting to see a wonderful young man exploring this world for the first time. Sir Brian took him by the hand and gave him a few new experiences, like being put in a straitjacket, led around the dungeon on a leash, and wrestling with a top. The fire in this boy's eyes, the excitement, was absolutely incredible. I hate using the word "blessing" because of the religious connotations, but getting to see this new world open up for him truly was just that, and I feel very fortunate to witness it. And jealous that he was able to explore these things with a good group of folks in a safe environment, and gain a whole group of resources/mentors in the process. :)

Fitness Journal

2011-06-01T10:00:00.001-04:00

So I'm officially heavier than I've ever been, and it's time to do something about it. I've put on about 25 pounds since I hurt my back last year, and this will not stand. So today begins the diet. I refuse to do the food diary thing - it's a pain in the ass, but I know what I should and shouldn't eat. Generally. Except when I don't.

Case in point, I decided to check my cereal. Hey, it's Raisin Bran, it's supposed to be healthy, right? Except it's got freaking 20g of sugar per cup. Well, that's got to be better than kids' cereal like Lucky Charms right? WRONG. 14g of sugar per cup.

*head -> desk* Ok, so strike the raisin bran for breakfast.

I know incremental changes are the key to long term success - trying to shift everything works for a little while, but eventually it gets to be too much work and peters out to the old, bad habits. So, here are the changes I'm planning.

No beer or liquor during the week. Reduce alcohol consumption overall to no more than two drinks on any given day, and only one glass of red wine allowed with dinner during the week.
At least one salad per day, with reduced dressing amount. I'm going to have blue cheese dressing, regardless of the fat, because that's the only way spinach is edible.
Fish for dinner at least once a week, preferably more. Our new grocery store has an excellent fish counter.
Actually use the frozen skinless chicken breasts I put in the freezer with the best of intentions.
Tomato sauce on pasta rather than butter or olive oil.
Reduce portion sizes. I'll eat whatever's on the plate, normally, so I need to remember to put less on it.
More fresh veggies, less mashed potatoes.
No more chips and salsa when I get home from work.
No more cream in my coffee.
No more Taco Mac buffalo wings every Thursday. Once/month, tops.
Increase water consumption - add at least one liter per day.
Go from 2 to 4 runs a week, minimum of 4 miles.
Go from 30-40 minute walks with the dog to minimum 60. Add upper body strength workouts twice per week.
I'm done procrastinating, and have set up an appointment with a physical therapist for my back.

Starting weight: 210 pounds

Body Fat: 22.0%

Flogging

2011-05-25T15:17:00.001-04:00

Posted a couple flogging videos of me topping Big Brother:

Yeah, so I need a lot more practice on the florentine style...

More on Leatherati

2011-05-25T09:32:00.002-04:00

I'm deeply honored that the folks at Leatherati decided to include the article Master Dan and i put together on getting started in pup play. We're among some pretty select company of the pup world like Stomper, who runs pupzone, and Sparky, who's been a guide and mentor to both of us in discovering our path. I especially enjoyed Sparky's article on Interacting with Pups, not least because i HATE having my tail pulled, lol. I need to print out copies of that as handouts.

O/our article on getting started in pup play is here.

Other thoughts on Pups

2011-05-20T07:11:00.002-04:00

Great intro article on pup play over at Leatherati. I often struggle with how to explain pup play to others, because it's so natural and right to me. Saving this as a reference in case I ever need to do a class on it, and for those of you (looking at you, labratt) who don't quite "get" it yet. :)

Random Thoughts

2011-05-17T09:17:00.004-04:00

Strange how one thing can send your mind wandering off down some interesting pathways. Driving in to work today, an ad came on NPR for Kaiser-Permanente with the tagline "The day you stop playing is the day you start aging." That makes a new kind of sense to me since discovering how to let pup out to play with Master Dan.

I've been going through a patch of mild depression the last couple of weeks due to some bad news on the job front (bad things come in threes, right? the bad news can stop now, I'm at quota), some personal issues, pain from the back, e

tc, ad infinitum. Lots of self-doubt, self-recrimination, and generally wallowing self-pity. That's the sort of grinding, stressful headspace that leads to aging, no doubt.

But an hour or so with Master Dan playing in pupspace can make all of that go away, at least for a while. And when I come back out, things aren't so bad. It's never been so clear to me how important it is to just let yourself be yourself and play.

Saturday was a great example. Got up at 0-dark-thirty to get ready for the warrior dash race up in the north Georgia mountains, about a two hour drive away. One of my law school friends rode up with me, and we chatted and caught up for the f

ull round trip. Except when we stopped on the way back for fresh churned strawberry ice cream at a roadside stand by the strawberry fields and our mouths were full and grinning.

The warrior dash was a roughly three mile race across obstacles including a 200m swim, a mud put, cargo net and wall climbs, scrambling under barbed wire, climbing over junked cars....generally crazy. I came out of it somewhat muddy, as you can imagine, but not quite as much as I'd hoped for the photos since one of the last obstacles, before jumping over the fire pits, was slogging back through the lake and over some floating logs. It was a hell of a lot of fun, even if it was hard on muy back.

Followed this up with a night at the Eagle for a leather gear fashion show and hanging out with a group of friends, including Master Dan, big brother, pup Leo, pup Nitro, labratt, and some new folks. I got drafted to help with costume changes backstage, which was a real chore since I got to help a bunch of hot guys pull off all their clothes and get into new sets for their next round on the runway. *wag*

Upshot of all this was that, despite the pain and depression, I was able to put it all away and ignore it because I was out playing, having fun with friends, and letting myself relax. I need to remember that feeling, and remember that it's available when I need it.

Spring in the South: Eagle Scout Mentality

2011-05-04T21:41:00.003-04:00

A Scout is:
trustworthy
loyal
helpful
friendly
courteous
kind
obedient
cheerful
thrifty
brave
clean, and
reverent.

It's been about 15 years since I last recited that pledge, and i can still pull it out of memory. But, this is the first time i've looked at it and thought...you know, that sounds like a pup! It's funny how I never really thought about it all the times I was just reciting it at meetings, but these tenets kind of get drilled into your personality. I know lots of folks have issues with the Scouts' homophobia, and so do I - heck, that's why I don't volunteer my time as a Scoutmaster now. But on the whole, it really is a good program for shaping attitudes.

Or maybe I've just been a sub all along and the whole "public service" aspect was a better fit than I realized. Whether it's the Scouting mentality or natural submissiveness, though, I often find myself wanting to help out...somehow. At SITS, I found a few places to contribute, helping move furniture, chairs, spanking benches, etc., or fetching a drink/burgers for the vendors during lunch when they couldn't leave their booth. That kind of sounds like bragging - look at me, I'm helping! - but it's actually kind of selfish. There's just such a sense of personal satisfaction that comes from doing something for someone else, and for contributing to the event experience in some way.

Again, I think this friendly, helpful, cheerful, loyal attitude is key to the pup mentality, because I also saw it in pup leo. We were both around, willing to lend a hand where needed, but mostly just staying out of the way until our respective star moments during the dinner party. I was in one of the pup cages (see: previous post) and leo was strapped into a humiliation bench at the drink station. I figured the pup play at dinner was how everyone would see our contributions, and that's as it should be. As far as service-submission goes, I think it should be so smooth that noone really notices you're doing it. But, sometimes someone does notice it. At the wrap-up for SITS, all the presenters and organizers were recognized with certificates, thanking them for teaching, organizing, or volunteering as appropriate. They were also given a commemorative paddle as a thank you gift.

I was surprised and honored when Sir Alan called me and leo up, and presented the two of us with certificates and paddles to thank us for our work.

It means a lot to be recognized, but the greater compliment actually came after the wrap-up, when i was running around helping put things away.

Now, neither Master Dan nor I are terribly formal when it comes to protocols. So it kind of threw me for a loop when a guy i didn't know came up to me and asked if i was claimed. I didn't hesitate in answering "yes," though. It's not entirely accurate, and something of a presumption, as Master Dan hasn't formally claimed me. For all intents and purposes, though, pup loki belongs absolutely to Him and I'm not looking for anyone else.

Anyhow, the guy (I later found it was named Sir Jesse) asked if it was okay to initiate contact, and when i nodded, He told me He was very impressed with my training, and i was an example of what a good leatherpup should be. He also asked me to pass along to my Sir what a good job He'd done. i just thanked Him, and had a smile on my face the rest of the day. i couldn't wait to tell Master Dan about it, just felt bad that i couldn't tell Him who had said it!

tldr version: SITS was awesome, i love being a pup, and, as always, i'm incredibly grateful to Master Dan. :)

Spring in the South, Pup time!

2011-05-04T16:00:00.003-04:00

Spring in the South was last weekend, and it was a blast. The highlight of the weekend, for me, was the Saturday night dinner, which Sir Alan and pup Nitro had been planning for weeks. They wanted to have live demos going on as people ate, and they wanted pups for most of the demo scenes. I was incredibly honored when Nitro asked me to help a few weeks ago with the centerpiece for the main table - two cages, each with a pup, facing off at each other.

And then we got word that Master Dan's surgery was going to be the Wednesday prior to SITS and He wouldn't be able to be there. I was thrilled that He was able to get the surgery that He desperately needed, but among all the joy for the thought of Him being well was disappointment that He wouldn't be able to come to the event. Since He couldn't be there, i didn't feel like pup could come out, either, since loki is Dan's pup. Whatever else i may do with anyone else, pup belongs to Him and noone else. i wasn't sure i could even get to pup-space without Him there to put the collar and hood on.

i told Nitro that while i was still going to the event, pup was a no go. He understood completely, and told me no apologies were needed. i figured that was the end of the discussion, but a few days before the surgery, Dan told me that Big Brother had offered to Handle my leash for SITS if i still wanted to bring pup out for the dinner. i was really torn - i had been so excited at the chance to play with several other pups, but it also felt like the two of us would be betraying/abandoning Dan right after He'd gone through major surgery. i had to think about it for a couple of days and accept Dan's repeated assurances that not only was He okay with it, He wanted us to go and do this. Eventually i was able to accept that, and told Him i'd be honored for Big Brother to be His stand-in for the dinner. Fortunately, the plans for who would be where during the dinner were pretty fluid, and Nitro was able to slot me back into the schedule with no trouble.

The night of the dinner, Big Brother showed up around 6 to help with prep and pupping...most of which involved the tail. We set up in the medical room on the gynecological chair to start working the thing in, and it was slow going. It's probably been six months since i've had the tail in, and no, there hasn't been anything else up there in that time either.

Well, i should have known it would happen, since it happened with Dan the first time. Those of you who play with lots of toys probably know this, but if you don't, once the widest part of the plug passes the sphincter, it has a tendency to want to keep right on going. Especially when both plug and Big Brother's hands are covered in lube. That sucker just went sliding right on in, without even a chance to take a deep breath. I think my eyes bugged out enough Big Brother probably thought it was pressing on them from the back, and Sir Dan said He could hear my yelp downtown. On the plus side, sometimes it's just better to get the difficult part over with, right? :)

And dammit, out of the pups suiting up for the entertainment, i was the only one who got their tail in. I'm looking at you, Leo, who brought your tail but was afraid to even try. At least Nitro had a valid excuse. Oh, and the new shorts that i made myself, thank you very much with the hole-punch for the tail worked fantastically.

Sir Alan led nitro with Big Brother leading me, both in pup hoods and on leashes, and they took us out through the cocktail party to give everyone a teaser for what was being set up inside the dungeon for the dinner entertainment. i kind of wish we'd had a little more time to mingle with the crowd, but Sir Alan had a lot to coordinate before dinner could start. they got us loaded up into the cages on the big table, and Big Brother stood by to keep an eye on us while Sir Alan went and got the other demos set up.

Nitro and i both had a grand time, barking and howling at each other, banging and pawing on the cages, trying to get at each other. i wasn't completely down in the pup headspace during this, but i was definitely lost in the moment. after a while, the dinner guests came in and started teasing us - barking back, meowing, but generally bringing food past and teasing us. At least i had a hood with a mouth and got a few bites of food, unlike poor Nitro who had a muzzle on. Of course, Big Brother had to tell everyone that i hated tomatoes, so most of what i got was...grape tomatoes from the salad. Which i promptly spit at Nitro. Still and all, it was a lot of fun, lots of people talking to us and telling us what good pups we were.

Eventually got let out of the cage to stretch and find a bite to eat. There wasn't much left, but Big Brother helped me find a bit of pulled pork and mac and cheese. He also thought ahead to put together plates for the other pups before the food got put away while i wandered around in a daze for a bit, coming up out of the pup space and trying to shovel food in my face.

Upshot of this post is...

Thank you, Alvin, for stepping out of your comfort zone to help me have this night. I'm sorry i was a bit too out of it to break out the floggers for the party.

Thank you, Master Dan, for letting Big Brother take the leash for a bit, and encouraging me to go ahead. The headspace wasn't the same without you, but still gave me a lot of what i needed.

Thank you both for all you've given and taught me this past year.

10 Years of Love

2011-05-02T06:08:00.000-04:00

This week marks the ten year anniversary of my first date with my husband. From the very first time we met, the two of us just clicked. We had dinner, went for coffee, and just talked. Since that very first date, we have not had a single argument. Not one. We've disagreed, certainly, but it's always been a discussion and debate, not a fight.

About this time last year I started getting seriously interested in BDSM, beyond the point of just watching porn or even voyeur at things like Frolicon. I raised the idea with him, we talked it over, established some ground rules, and he gave me his blessing to explore. He still isn't into it, and doesn't really even care to hear about what I do, but he's supportive of my "hobby" and hasn't even batted an eye now that I've taken over a corner of the basement for a dungeon play area.

10 years later, I can't imagine life without him. He is the love of my life.

Frolicon, cont.

2011-05-01T09:13:00.000-04:00

After being asked to top this beautiful, playful pup, I spent the rest of the afternoon stressing out. Yes, I'd come to Frolicon to play at being a top, but so far it was mostly on people I'd pre-arranged with and all on people I've known in and out of the scene for a long time. This was essentially a complete stranger, and I wasn't really sure what I was doing. Of course, he's also straight, and I had no idea if this was his idea or Hers alone, I didn't know how he'd react to being topped by a guy, whether he was doing it just for her, or what.

Yes, I could have just asked one or both of them these questions, but then I would have felt even more awkward. All I really knew was the She wanted to see it, She didn't want me to leave any permanent marks or draw blood, and that he liked pretty rough play, preferring "thud" to "sting". Well, at least I had the right flogger for that. It also gave me an excuse to go up to the dealer's room and pick up a paddle I'd had my eye on.

Not the guy, just the paddle. :)

We met up as scheduled during the evening play party and set up at a nice empty frame in the back corner. I'd had some experience in this dungeon the night before, and knew there would be lots of people wandering around and walking into backswings, so the most out of the way spot was best. Plus, these were mostly heteros who didn't really want to watch a couple of guys going at it anyway.

Anyhow, I just did some pretty simple rope work to tie his wrists to the frame, but I left the rest of him free to move around. Turns out this was a good idea, as I heard his Domme giggling madly during the rest of the scene when I was making him buck and dance. As I was laying out my toys before blindfolding him, She pulled me aside and gave me another piece of important information - it was his 36th birthday, and Hers had been the day before. It turns out this was a bit of a present to both of them. No pressure, right?

I blindfolded him and started off pretty slow, with the soft, buttery flogger, just to get his back warmed up. I got up to a pretty good thwack with that one, but I know from experience that even a full power swing from a pretty strong guy doesn't give too much pain.

I moved around, hitting everything from a small, stingy flogger to the nipples, to Thumper on the back, to a leather strop to the balls, to a stingy flogger on the chest. I also gave him a little pleasure, sort of - I edged his dick after every set with one of the strikers. I was really surprised at how well he responded to another guy - he was all into kissing me and loved when I was stroking and petting him. He was also true to his word - he never said a word the whole time I was working on him, only barks, whimpers, whines or and growls. He was still with me, though, he was definitely able to respond to my words, like when I was working on his nipples and told him what a good boy he was and rewards were coming.

After working my way around him for the better part of an hour, I finally turned to my duties as Birthday Punisher and pulled out the paw paddle for a proper spanking. I didn't hold back much either, giving him 9 strokes to one cheek, edging him back to full hardness and groaning, 9 strokes to the other cheek, repeating the work on the dick, another 9, another edge, and repeating again. 36 hard spanks and four times coming oh so close to a BIG reward. It occurred to me at this point that I needed to ask Her about whether he was allowed to shoot - and the answer was no. I felt a little bad, but not much, when I got that answer. When I told Her he'd be really ready when I was done, She just gave me this beautiful little smirk and said "He's used to it."

Well, after that answer, I figured I needed to give him a little something more rather than just ending with an everyday birthday spanking, and the answer came to me. He's a puppy, right? So he needs a birthday spanking in puppy years, right? I went on to give him six more sets of 36 reps, each with a different toy. 36 smacks to the balls with the strop, 36 to the nipples with my little stinger, and four more floggings to the back, each with a different flogger, finishing up with the same buttery one I started with. Oh, and edging him every time the pain seemed to be getting too intense - every 9 or 18 strokes, usually.

the pup was pretty well worn down by the time I finished, and I told his Domme that I was about wrapped up. She asked me to bring out the paddle one more time and came over to stand in front of him. She took his dick in her hands and began running her fingernails over it, then nodded to me. I smacked him hard, eyes on her except for the moment of impact. She stroked him, and kept giving me nods, telling me when She wanted to strike to fall.

It was So Fucking Hot.

And the whole time I was doing this, I never popped wood. And didn't care. This really showed me something about how to connect with a person in an incredibly sensual way without it being sexual. It was an incredible feeling, and my dick certainly leaked a lot, but it was never about ejaculation (for me, I'm sure he wanted to given all I did to encourage it). It was just all about being in the moment when the rest of this huge (100+ people) dungeon party disappeared and the only thing of import was my arm, the flogger, and this beautiful, wonderful pup.

I think the other thing I learned from this is how to deal with bottoming guilt. I've written before here about how I always worried that as a bottom, I was taking, being the center of attention, the top's focus, and the top was doing all this for me without me giving me anything. Well, now I realize that the top feels the same thing - I'm having fun, but is the bottom really enjoying what I'm doing, or are they pretending to for me? I'm hopeless, I know, but at least now I have the personal experience to accept that both sides in this relationship truly are enjoying themselves and sharing this energy.

Frolicon

2011-04-26T11:05:00.000-04:00

This past weekend was Frolicon in Atlanta, which has been held every Easter weekend in one form or another for many, many years. Its predecessor con, Fantasm, was my first introduction to BDSM some 7 or so years ago, though only ever as a voyeur before. I put all that behind me this year. I went into Frolicon with a slightly different intention than in the past. I wanted this to be my chance to experiment with being a Top rather than a pup/sub.

It's a party con, with tracks (breath control, furries, single tailing, sub/Dom roundtables, caning, service protocols, etc.), vendors, costuming, and dungeon sessions going on in three hour blocks for most of the time that the doors are open. Some dungeon sessions have various themes - men/women only, spanking, girls who like boys who like boys, the "Kink before you drink" party sponsored by Recovery in the Lifestyle - while others are open to anyone for whatever they want to do. Sir already posted about His experiences there, and He touched on the negatives i saw enough that i don't see the need to repeat them. I'll just say that i may have to volunteer as a dungeon monitor next year.

Two of the nice things about Frolicon are the beads and the "wish wall". The beads are Frolicon's answer to the hanky code, only trimmed down to something people can remember after being at parties drinking until 4 in the morning. You make a string of beads of whatever colors fit you - blue = likes boys, pink = likes girls, black = top, white = bottom, and purple = "i have a wish on the board." Lots of the wishes, unsurprisingly, involved sex, but there was quite a range. Everything from "I want a nice cuddle during the friday midnight movie" to "I want help convincing my boyfriend he looks good in a kilt" to "I want my first threesome (m/m/f and m/f/f)" and "I want to be fisted". Here's a picture of the wish wall to give you an idea of how many people were sporting purple beads.

So I made out my beads with alternating black and blue (how appropriate) but didn't bother with a purple one for my one little wish. I didn't really expect to get mine, not because it was way out there, but just because it required just the right combination of circumstances. The idea had been percolating in my head ever since I'd heard about the "girls who like boys who like boys" dungeon party at which women are permitted in the dungeon but can only watch, not participate. All the scenes have to be man on man. I started thinking that it would be really hot to find some Domme who had a cute little sub boy and wanted to see said sub topped by another guy while she watched and relaxed.

It turns out that the universe doesn't always need you to externalize your wishes.

Thursday night started with a tour through the dealer room, where my roommate reluctantly volunteered to act as a demo boy and let me smack him with floggers until I found the one I liked. He actually found one that was really nice - a blue, deerskin somewhat lightweight one with a gorgeous custom turned steel handle. The vendor saw me admiring it and told me if I liked the thuddiness of that one (I did, so did my demo sub), there was a REALLY thuddy one with the same leather feel. It's about 4 times as heavy as the lightweight blue one, and has been unanimously nicknamed Thumper by everyone who's felt it.

Over the course of three days, five dungeon parties, and about six different guys I pretty well wore my arm out using those new floggers. I also had the chance to do a couple of nice rope harnesses, so that was an extra plus.

The first main dungeon party was the girls who like to watch guys one. It was kind of disappointing when we got there, only one scene going and lots of women (and some other guys) just kind of sitting around. Master Dan and I just kind of looked at each other and were like, well, we'll just start something ourselves. So he got me tied up in my kilt and started trying out the new floggers on me. It was kind of fun, knowing I was pretty much the center of attention for a bunch of women, cause honestly our scene was MUCH more interesting than the other one. :) After that, I dragged one of my shy friends out of his chair and spent half an hour putting rope on him and teasing his dick. No real S/m, but it was fun coaxing him out of his shell. Also got a chance to flog my demo sub of the weekend for about an hour, which continued in the second main dungeon party - the men only.

Another of my boys for the weekend came in after I'd gotten demo boy tied to a cross and been flogging for a bit. I didn't want to interrupt the flogging too much, so I just had the newcomer take of his shirt and did a quick cling film wrap around his chest and arms, sealed it up with some duct tape, and plopped him in a chair to watch. I got to swap out floggers a bit on the demo sub, slowly working up to the dragon tail. Each time I flogged him, he was able (and eager) to take a little more, so that was pretty fun. Also got to use the little stingy one on the shrinkwrapped boys shoulders and nipples, which I'd carelessly left exposed.

More of the same at the big dungeon party that evening, though there were lots of other fun scenes to watch, including a bull whip scene and one doing suspension with just plastic wrap. At the big party, however, was one puppy, locked in his cage by his Domme. I'd seen this couple around at Frolicon several times in the past - he was probably the first pup I'd ever seen live and in the headspace. He didn't need a hood or paws, just kneepads and a tail poking out of his shorts. I approached as she was letting him out and asked Her if I could pet her puppy. She agreed and I did, and he was adorably cute and affectionate, rubbing against my leg and wagging his tail. It helps that he's a beautiful man all on his own - willowy is probably the best word to describe him. He's got to be 6'3", and if you told me he weighs more than 150 pounds, I'd call you a liar. If the time I spend as pup makes one other person as happy as this pup made me, then it's all worth it. I thanked her and went on my way, figuring that was the end of it.

But I saw both of them Saturday at the early afternoon dungeon party, and got a chance to talk to both of them out of scene. Both She and her pup were fun to be around, and I got a chance to tell them that I'd always loved seeing them about, and how I enjoyed pup play myself. We separated again, as you do while mingling, and I went to sit with Master Dan and just watch some pretty instense scenes. There was some needle play going on, and a HEAVY flogging scene, as well as a spanking scene administered by a hot-looking guy in jodhpurs.

Then I looked up, and She had come over. She asked if Dan was my handler, and I nodded, so she turned to Him and asked "Would your puppy like to top my puppy tonight?"

I could have melted. Master Dan took one lok at my big, round, pleading eyes and just smiled.

-- to be continued in the next post --

Praise

2011-04-16T08:56:00.000-04:00

Sir got the news this week that He is going in for surgery soon on His back. i'm going to miss Him while He's recovering, but the chances for a complete, pain-free recovery are extremely good, so this is a wonderful thing! Before He goes under the knife however, i wanted to give Him something to remember, so i told Him for our play yesterday, i didn't want any say in what He wanted to do. Instead, i asked Him to do whatever He wanted to me, with no pre-set limits. i half-expected Him to douse me in lube, but instead He went with a fairly leisurely bondage session. During the clean up, I realized He'd used probably 300 feet of rope; while it was going on, i was just kind of mentally drifting.

After getting me well and truly tied up, He started doing some paddling on my balls. I recognized the feel of the strop and then His wooden paddle, and a part of me shrank away a bit. It just wasn't "there" today. Some days, He can slap my balls once, and i'm gone, off into a floating haze. Other days, it's more just a matter of grit the teeth and bear it, because the switch in my head just isn't flipped.

But i remembered what i'd promised Him, that this was His day to do whatever He wanted. i put my mind in that space, and that really helped. it still wasn't the mind-blowing endorphin rush that's so addictive, but in its own way, it was even better. Sir eventually got me out of all the rope and into the leather straitjacket and lace up hood so He could put me down on the floor and really go to town on my balls. Again, the wooden paddle came out, and with it came the magic words, "good boy."

That was what i needed and craved. That little bit of praise flipped a switch in my head with a suddenness i couldn't believe. This still wasn't a "pleasurable" CBT session, but suddenly the pain became irrelevant next to pleasing Him and hearing that praise. I've often read bootbrush's blog and felt a bit of a disconnect when he self-refers as "it", such as where he might say "it is proud to be its Master's dog". i personally never felt that sort of abstraction from myself...until yesterday. i was lying there, trying to take as much as He could give on my balls, listening to Him say "good boy" after each set, and it just slipped out "is it a good dog, Sir?" it was like a pressure relief valve in my psyche, just to put that out there and have Him respond to it. i could take as much as He wanted to give if doing so made it - me - His good pup.

i often think about this blog in between play sessions, and how i'm not sure i'm ever going to be able to come up with another entry. then during the session, something new and wonderful happens, and i think "okay, now i've got it." Until the next time, when He shows me something else new and wonderful. Each time we play, there's something that goes just a little bit deeper, that teaches me something new about myself.

Thank you for that, Sir. Thank you for everything.

Dog's Life

2011-04-13T09:19:00.000-04:00

Couldn't resist taking a shot of this as I was bringing my coffee upstairs.

Pups in the Media

2011-04-13T08:55:00.000-04:00

Surprisingly positive coverage of "Animal Roleplay" in the BDSM world by Attack of the Show. Hat tip to The Master and His slave blog for pointing it out!

Game Reviews - E3 2011 - WTF

This is Sparta

2011-04-10T09:33:00.000-04:00

Master Dan took me and big brother, as well as our new bondage buddy from the anniversary party last week, to another dungeon play party at 1763 last night. This was a different scene for us, since it was the first time we've really done humiliation play, and the first time i've ever been flogged in semi-public. it was also primarily (gasp) straight people, but they were pretty cool for all that. The theme for the play party was Greco-Roman, so we finally got the chance we'd been planning for almost a year to break out the Spartan costume. Unsurprisingly, I took first place in the costume contest, though I can't take too much pride in that since there wasn't really any competition. Still, a free year's membership to 1763 is nothing to sneer at!

Master Dan chained me up in the loincloth, sandals, cape, and arm/leg guards. The chains were another new sensation, since He usually sticks with rope. He'd shaved my chest before we got to the party so the chains wouldn't catch any hair, but it certainly made for COLD chains on my bare chest. I was soon to forget about that, though.

He led me around the dungeon in chains for a while to observe some of the other scenes - there was some rope bondage and other flogging going on. Throughout this, Master Dan kept up His normal habit of pulling me in close for a hug and a kiss, which at first I gave into as normal. I kind of felt that was wrong for the defiant scene we were trying for, but i was starting out in kind of our normal headspace where I give in to Him and do what He wants. I realized, finally that I shouldn't be giving in, and began resisting when He tried to pull me in, and that really helped the headspace click.

Cape off, hood on (as much for protection as deprivation) and chained to the wall. Master Dan started off pretty easy on the flogging, but was adding in some verbal insults - "going to make you a slave boy," "you're going to suck every cock in this place", etc. in addition to the physical contact of trying to make me kiss Him. As the flogging level increased, it actually helped me build my defiance, and I was able to talk back to Him a bit. He swapped out the chains and roped my wrists out in a crucifixion pose with a long pole and began flogging both the front and the back. I've never been flogged on my chest before, and it was awesome...apart from the nipples.

My nipples are not connected to any pleasure centers. At all. People can play with them, but it's honestly not any different from pinching, kissing, or biting any other skin until it crosses a threshold. Once past that threshold, it's just "bad" take-me-out-of-headspace-faster-than-a-charly-horse misery. The flogger hitting my nipples eventually crossed that threshold, but I was able to hold on to the defiance enough to not call out from it or ask for Him to slow down.

Eventually i made a comment about how it felt like my grandmother was back there. i think that got His attention, because He broke out the rubber flogger, which He had promised He wasn't bringing. That bitch hurts, and it was the first time he'd gotten me to cry out. i still wasn't willing to stop, at least on the back - i actually wanted Him to go a bit further, at least one or two more rounds. He finished with a round on my chest, though, after i called out. i don't know if He was tired, just decided He was done, ready to move on to something else, or if my breaking silence helped Him decide to stop.

i think i was close to a breaking point, but maybe it's best to save that for a private session, not to be shared with unknown observers. On the other hand, knowing that there was an audience helps the defiance, since there's kind of an ego thing going on. it's kind of an interesting juxtaposition - submission is often about subsuming your own ego to the Top, but in a defiance scene like that, relying on your ego and seeing how far you can go is what makes the scene hot!

i wasn't "turned on" by the scene, even when big brother went down on my dick. Maybe that was part of the defiance aspect, or maybe it was just a different energy. i know Master Dan was turned on, and i know i enjoyed it immensely, but it wasn't...sexual, i guess. which is fair, not everything has to be about sex. it's not like sex is the only possible way to have new sensations and experiences!

Once He put a halt to the flogging, He took me off the pole and moved me into a suspension cage. This came with pretty much half relief and half disappointment, both because the flogging was done. He had brought about 10 four foot lengths of PVC, and slid them into the cage, kind of like one of those tricks where the magician shoves swords into the box with the assistant inside. i was held in the cage in a stress position - i couldn't slide my legs or arms around, and if i didn't stand straight up, the bar under my chin started to press into my throat. i couldn't have held it for very long, but i think i was in there for maybe 15 minutes.

With the hood on, i couldn't really hear anything going on, but Master Dan told me later that even the straight people were impressed with His idea for creating the stress pose inside the cage. The dungeon owner is apparently now looking forward to trying it Herself! i'm glad i could play my own demo part in the process, since a lot of the fun to public play is seeing and learning new techniques.

After a bit of a rest break and some water, i changed back into my shorts. unfortunately they were a way too big pair, and i hadn't brought a belt. Sir gave me a set of suspenders, though, and i think i have a new fetish. plain khaki shorts with black suspenders just looked really good to me. i've always liked suspenders, generally, but i've never actually worn them myself. even with the occasional brush against my poor nipples, i just really loved the way it looked.

All in all, it was an incredible night and i am, as always, extremely grateful to Master Dan and big brother.

Congratulations All Around

2011-04-03T20:42:00.001-04:00

Congrats to Dan and Big Brother on 25 years together, and congrats to Master Dan on receiving His Master's cap!

Surgical Mask

2011-03-22T08:58:00.000-04:00

With the hem and seam practice out of the way, I wanted to find a small "real" project to work on. Just in time, I saw the video for "Get Happy" from House, and loved the look of the male nurses in their scrubs and masks as they danced in the background.

So, I decided to try a surgical mask with the latex. Of course, as soon as I sat down to plan it out I realized that this would involve a new technique - pleats. Luckily, I found a great reference on making latex pleats.

I cut an initial square of latex to 18"x18" and masked the edges. I decided to go for three pleats, so I measured the mid point of the sides for the center pleat and marked the center for the other two pleats 1.5" to either side.

A small scrap of latex ~1.0cm x 0.5cm provides the anchor point for each pleat. I believe these are called "knife pleats". Essentially, the pleat is folded once onto the anchor point, and then folded back the other way. The edge is then folded over again into a hem.

The final result at least looks like a mask, tho I still need to find a way to add a tie off. The top and bottom hems are folded over to leave an unglued loop so I can run a string or some elastic through it. To do elastic, though, would be a pain and probably should have been put in first. I was afraid that would make it difficult to repair. I could glue some latex strips to each corner to form a behind-the-ear loop as well, but it wouldn't be very adjustable and I worry about the comfort. Will post more pics once I figure it out!

Rubber Craft

2011-03-15T21:02:00.000-04:00

So the final pieces of my ordering spree came in today. Since this was kind of the important one - the sheet latex - I haven't really been able to do much with the rest of it until now. The inventory includes:

Bestine Rubber Cement thinner
Bestine Paper Cement
Eurocatsuit.com vulcanizing glue
painter's tape
24" square
9" tailor's shears
2" clippers
Rotary cutter
12" aluminum ruler
Disposable acid brushes
Sharpies
Cutting Mat
2m x 1m sheet latex, 0.012" thickness
Brayer

Step 1 was marking a straight line for the strip I wanted to take off the end. I sort of looked at this as part of a harness, but mostly I was just looking to practice glueing some seams. In hindsight, practicing a hem seam rather than fastening two pieces together was probably a bad first choice.
I used the square to get a nice straight line. The weight of it also helped hold the latex in place. Drawing a cut line helped me keep the cut on track since I had to do it in two stages - my cutting mat just wasn't long enough to do it all in one go.

The rotary cutter was pretty good, but left a few stragglers. I used the small clippers for these. Trying to snap them just resulted in long strips peeling off of one side or the other of the cut.

Once I had the strip cut, I put a strip of painter's masking tape along the back of the "hem". This way, once I cleaned the area to be glued with the solvent, the curling of the latex was minimized. Once the solvent dries, however, the latex lays right back down. I gave the solvent about 30 minutes, but it seemed dry after about 10.

For reference, the latex curls up badly without the tape, to the point that it will curl back on itself and get stuck. Trying to separate these is very tricky.

The glue does this as well, so the masking tape needs to be kept on until the seam is ready to fold. The glue takes about 15 minutes to dry.

Folding over the hem is going to take some practice. Eventually I hit upon the idea of using the thin ruler to pry over the latex, but the seam is still pretty sloppy looking. Still, this was a test of the glue as much as anything, so I'll have to see how these two seams hold up. Maybe keeping the masking tape on and creasing the seam before applying the glue will help - the untreated latex will stick to itself a bit, but is pretty easy to separate at that point.

I used two different types of glue - the eurocatsuit glue for one seam and the diluted (50/50 glue and thinner) paper cement for the other. The dilution works, according to some theories i've read on the web, due to not drying up lumpy as it can with the undiluted strength. As far as "paper cement" goes, it's very similar to the rubber cement of the same brand, but about 1/4 the price and supposedly the only drawback is that it will begin to deteriorate if submerged. More testing is obviously needed.

New Project

2011-03-09T16:17:00.000-05:00

Went to see Sir yesterday, just to chat and have a cup of coffee. He had another doctor's appointment, and the process is dragging on and on. i wasn't really planning on anything happening, but as i sat on the floor next to Him and He lay on the sofa scratching my head, i just slipped straight into pup headspace. It's the first time i've really gone there without pre-planning, without gear, without even being naked. i know He was talking to me, but i wasn't tracking the conversation real well, and probably wasn't contributing much. :) Still, i think He enjoyed having someone there to break up the boredom since He's been off work for a while, even if i wasn't much of a conversationalist.

In other news, I've been ordering parts and supplies to start working on making some rubber gear. There's a lot of conflicting and confusing advice out there, but my research has given me a place to start at least. I've ordered a couple meters of latex, various adhesives, cutting implements, and I picked up a work table and chair at Costco. All told, I've probably spent about $200 on the startup, but most of what I've bought is reusable. The latex and adhesives were about $75 of that. I plan to document my project progress here so I can remember what I did right and what I did wrong, as well as to keep track of some useful links for easy reference.

To whit:
Seaming Guide
Vulcanizing Glue and Latex Supplier
Solvent and Thinner

I've gotten two different kinds of rubber cement/vulcanizing glue, heptane based solvent, and numerous sharp implements (tailor's shears and roller cutter) that required live signature for delivery. I can only imagine that I'm on some watch list by now. If not, maybe I should order a grow-lamp for workspace lighting. That ought to seal the deal...

Quick Recap

2011-02-24T09:13:00.000-05:00

Had a lot of fun at Sir's bondage demo class last night at the Eagle, and got to catch up with a cute little submissive I've wanted to play with for a while. We may be getting together for rubber night on Friday, too, yay.

Prior to the class, though, Sir sent me a message asking what seemed like a straightforward question. I don't think I can add much to the discussion now, so I'm just going to post the transcript. I think that captures my typical stream-of-consciousness better than post-analysis would.

Sir: so tell me this......we go up to the playroom, you're naked, don't know what is in store, and see me take a nice long rope off the hook. What's your first thought? reaction?

me: depends on the size of the rope

Sir: lol

me: thin rope means you're going to tie up my balls
me: thick rope is more anticipation of the overall project

Sir: okay, so 50 foot, thick rope

me: wonder where you're going to start, wrists, ankles, other
me: remembering the fancy work on the chest

Sir: so, it's analytical?

me: can be
me: certainly seeing you hold the rope builds the anticipation
me: but you know me, I like being blindfolded and surprised.

Sir: so.....when does it shift for you? from analytical to sensory?

me: it's gradual
me: first comes the analysis of trying to predict what you're going to do
me: then the memory of what you've done in the past
me: which is when my dick starts to get hard
me: then the rope starts to go on and I try and focus on that sensation
me: usually I'll close my eyes if you haven't blindfolded me
me: so I can focus without distraction
me: but sometimes I want to see the technique

More on Flogging

2011-02-20T08:56:00.000-05:00

I feel kind of bad that my last post was so short, there was so much more going on in my head that it seems like the experience deserves more respect on the page. I go and read bootbrush's latest entries where he pours himself out on the page with such vivid detail, and realize just how detached and clinical my two little paragraphs sound. Of course, some readers are saying "no, you're usually blathering on and on and on..." to themselves, but hey, it's my blog. No pictures in this one, so feel free to skip it now...

More and more, I come to realize that this side of myself is so much more complex than any single term can capture. On the masochist side, I think I've explained before just how magical that feeling can be when it's right. Friday, when Sir was going from one toy to another, every smack, every slap was just delicious. It's especially rare - and special - when i have to beg for more.

Pup certainly fits as well - it's painful when He smacks my balls, but it's playful too. To some extent, being pup means giving up control to Him, becoming His plaything, something that He can do with what He wants. That wouldn't be possible, for me, unless it were someone i could trust as much as i do Him. Pup means that just being around Him makes my day better.

I can't thank Sir enough for all these things He's taught me, from how to relax and let myself give up control, all through the spectrum to how to swing a flogger and what knots to use to keep from cutting off circulation in someone's ankles. Important lesson, that last one. I know from being tied up that a bad knot that's digging in, or cramping a wrist, or even rubbing back and forth the wrong way can be a distraction from truly going into the right headspace. "Yes, someone's flogging my back, but all I can think about is desperately wanting to adjust my foot a half-inch to the right so my knee isn't twisted..."

I think I understand Him better now, having flipped over to try some of these things on Big Brother. It's fun to try different things and see what works, what gets a reaction, what ratchets up the intensity. It really is a type of play, and just as I know He wouldn't do anything like this just out of spite or sadism, I don't think I could ever be a "punishment" or "humiliation" top. I want to play with more subs, and I want to tie them up and flog them and beat on their balls...but I want a sub who wants those things, who needs to relinquish control the way I do from time to time. These things are not about inflicting pain for the point of pain, but to show an acceptance of that sub's willingness to give themselves over to someone else. Figuring out how to connect with the sub...the person...who's put their trust in you is the least you can do to show respect to them.

Flogging

2011-02-18T20:59:00.000-05:00

Pretty good day today. Met with Sir for a few hours, and went straight to a good place when He started on the balls. Got to wear a new bondage harness, too, which I think looked pretty good and was super comfortable. Some days some things work, and some days they don't. Today, the balls worked. I couldn't get enough and probably would have kept going as long as He wanted.

And then things got better. I've been interested in topping, but haven't really given it a try, so it was very kind of Big Brother to volunteer to take one for the team today. I got to try my hand at some flogging, some bondage, and some ball-smacking of my own. It's great to start out on someone you've come to know - it makes them a little easier to read so you can figure out more quickly what works and what doesn't. I really enjoyed the flogging, though, much more than I expected I would. I could actually see myself tying some poor boy up to flog them without any encouragement from Sir at all!

Good Day

2011-01-31T07:05:00.001-05:00

Spent most of Saturday with Sir and his husband, and it was a Good Day. Wandered through Atlanta's Fetish Fair Flea Market (which seems like an odd name, since I think of flea markets as people selling their used stuff and this was all new) and had a great time. Lots of vendors with some neat stuff, like the Mayhem Leather guys:

Mmmmm.

Where was I?

Right. All the vendors had great, upbeat energy and no attitudes, which is always nice (and a bit surprising). It was a mostly hetero crowd, but noone had a problem with a trio of gay guys wandering through. Sir picked up a pair of matching floggers to start working on His florentine style, Big Brother got a new set of bamboo nipple clamps, and Sir got a new collar for me.

The three of us went over to downtown Decatur for lunch (Brick Store Pub, best beer and fish and chips in the state). It was fun looking around the room and catching people suddenly looking away who'd been glancing at the chain collar I was wearing.

Headed back home for some bondage, and that was fantastic. I needed to decompress a bit, and Sir definitely obliged. I knew there was a fair bit of rope going on, but I just curled up in my head and let it all go.

After that, naptime, dinner (damn but Big Brother makes good food - shrimp bisque this time around), and on with the football gear. Which of course we forgot to get pictures of. Headed out to the Eagle for sports gear night and saw lots of other woofy guys in everything from referee uniforms to jockstraps. Good times. Just wish I hadn't been so wiped out, but we headed home early to crash.

Sir is now traveling for the next several weeks, boo. Hopefully we'll get a chance to grab lunch, and we'll see each other for the next S&M 101 class, which Sir is teaching, on rope bondage.

Flipping a Switch

2011-01-10T06:23:00.000-05:00

Met with Sir yesterday for a few hours, and it was a mixed bag. Always good to spend time with Him, of course, but was interrupted by work phone call that was extremely irritating. Right as I'm getting changed into some new gear, of course.

The day started with Sir shaving me, which was deliciously relaxing. Afterward, Sir tried the flogger for awhile. I tried to take as much as I could, but it wasn't really happening for me for some reason. It was kind of how I imagine a punishment flogging to be - something to be endured because Sir wants to do it, but no endorphin rush or pleasure on my side except from knowing that it was what He wanted. I kept hoping something would wake up, but maybe I was focused so much on trying to get to the right headspace that I couldn't relax enough to just let myself go there. The same thing happened with the ball slapping a bit later - I could see where I wanted to go, and there was the occasional flash of the pain/pleasure endorphins that I like so much, but mostly it was just "ow".

On the other hand, after the work interruption, I got a chance to play on the other side and beat on Big Brother's balls a bit with a rod. I think I may have taken a bit of frustration out on him. :-/ Sir also gave me the chance to dribble wax on Big Brother, which was a lot of fun and finally helped me put the work stuff out of my mind.

I was in the new football gear at this point, which was fun, too. No pics this time though, sorry.

Inversion

2010-12-19T21:36:00.000-05:00

My back is slowly (so slowly) recovering. Some days are pretty good, a few are still kinda bad, but learning to deal with it. It's a little worrisome now that I'm coming to accept that I'm not going to have any pain-free days, just some days where it doesn't bother me as much.

One of the things that I got to help with the back, tho, is an inversion table. The biggest problem I've had with it is that hanging there upside down is...well...pretty boring. I can put some music on, but I really can't even watch TV since I'd be looking at it upside down and it's just confusing. On the flip side (get it?), Sir can't look at something like that without figuring out a way to use it in bondage. Yay.

So He came over and started bringing me way down into that relaxed sub headspace...when the exterminator called and let me know that he was there early. Like, five hours early. Dammit. After the exterminator was done, Sir and I went to lunch, then made a quick trip by the sporting goods store to see if they had any used football gear for cheap. See the last post for reasons why. They didn't have anything, tho, so we headed back to start over. This time no interruptions. Sir tied me down to the table and flipped me over a few times. Let's just say, it has some unique advantages for blowjob positions. All in all, the associations with the table make it much easier to use on a regular basis now. I can kind of slip into a low-level subspace while using it solo, which makes it much more enjoyable. And gives me something to jack off about when I'm done.

Oh, the unable to find football stuff? Never fear, the Internets came to the rescue. More pics to come once the stuff arrives from the ebay elves.

Football pics

2010-12-18T06:50:00.000-05:00

Oh yes, time to start scouring ebay.... Just some pics from the play with gearjock, Sir, and Big Brother last weekend.

Uniforms and Electro

2010-12-11T21:35:00.000-05:00

Went to Sir's today to play with Him, big brother, and Sir's friend (boundtight from Recon). It was intended as just a fun day, and it definitely lived up to expectations. Hopefully Sir will send me copies of some of the pictures He took, but I'm definitely in the mood for a football uniform now. Boundtight had brought one, complete with linebacker pads, for his visit, and I got to put them on and strut around a bit (before being tied up in it, of course). I've gotten quite a bit more self-conscious about my body since the back issues have sidelined me from running on a regular basis, but there's alot to be said for the blessing that is compression fabric.

The uniform fun was a definite high point, and I also got a chance to turn the tables a bit. Instead of having my balls beaten until they were swollen and purple, I got to take a couple of paddles to Big Brother's, after helping Sir tie him up on the suspended bondage table. Noone's going to confuse me with a real top anytime soon, but there was quite a bit of satisfaction in the experience of slapping them, alternating strokes, and hearing him moan. I tried to remember how Sir worked on mine, building up in each set, then backing off and just stroking and playing with them to give some relief/reward. Big Bro shot a pretty significant load soon after that, so I must not have done too badly. :)

The only downside to the day was the electro play. i haven't tried it before, though i've been curious. Well, i've got a smaller battery unit that I use for pain management on my back, but i haven't ever used it anywhere else. Boundtight is pretty good with the equipment though, so Sir and I both wanted to give it a go. The first step was using some pads on the legs. They went back and forth between a couple of settings for awhile - one was a small, pleasurable tingle, the other was a much stronger, lock up your leg muscles pulse that felt like having a charly horse in both thighs. In all honesty, i can see it having value in therapeutic use, but there was nothing remotely erotic about it, at least for the stronger pulse, to me. I mean, i like to think i can take some decent abuse on my balls and enjoy it, but this was the kind of pain and discomfort that took me more out of the headspace than putting me into it. But Sir wanted me to do it, and i try not to be too hasty on dismissing something; i didn't really expect to enjoy CBT either, after all.

After a while of this, they began hooking up the contacts to my balls and dick. i was a little worried because i know boundtight has played with sounding and i couldn't see what they were doing, but i was pretty sure Sir wouldn't spring something quite so drastic on me for the first time. unfortunately, the electro machine seemed to be having some issues. there didn't seem to be a "low" setting from my perspective; it went straight from "i can't feel anything" to "ow that hurts". Still, i was trying to soldier on while they worked on the machine, and it seemed like things were coming together when something went wrong. I dunno if there was a bad connection in the box, or there was some kind of short, but after some time of them asking "you don't feel anything yet?" it suddenly went to 11. i yanked up, twisted and contorted, and screamed, and i think Sir yanked the plug out to kill it. He had told me that if anything went wrong, or it got too strong, that electro has the advantage of no matter what, there's no residual pain. He was right about that, but this was definitely the end of the electro session for me. It honestly felt like i'd shoved my dick into a nest full of angry wasps and fire ants while the short was going on. Sir was at least right about there being no residual pain.

It's the sort of thing that can happen when you're playing with someone else's borrowed equipment, i understand, and i certainly don't blame Sir or boundtight for it. i know i'll be able to try electro again at some point, with a better machine, if Sir asks me to.

Bondage and Submission, more thoughts

2010-11-03T20:48:00.000-04:00

So Sir just posted a clip titled "Too much bondage, not enough discipline." I know He posted it just because He thought it was funny, but it's odd, because i've been thinking a lot since our last time together, and that title fits right in with where my brain has been headed. As i talked about from that session, one of the things that had gone through my mind during that session was that i kept hoping and wanting Sir to work on my balls. In thinking about this, i've kin of come to realize that this is not really the properly submissive attitude - the whole idea here is, within the "scene" at least, to be giving up control to Sir, not wanting to say something and tell Him how i want things to go. i shouldn't be disappointed if He doesn't do the things i want Him to do, i should be disappointed if i haven't let Him do whatever it is He wants.

Halloween at the Eagle

2010-11-02T18:48:00.000-04:00

Had a fantastic time at the Eagle Saturday night. Sir built one of His rope webs and several lucky people got to try it out. Including me, tho in costume rather than in pup gear. Didn't get to spend too much time there, but hopefully soon...

Back in the harness

2010-10-31T08:52:00.000-04:00

After far too long, Sir and I were finally able to get together for some playtime on Friday (before i got to return the favor He'd done me and take Him to get His epidural). For all that we had been apart for so many weeks, we both seemed o slip right back into the roles as soon as i walked in the door. He had me strip down to underwear and just stand there for an inspection before we went up to the playroom. There, the pup paws and hood came on, and the headspace was right where i'd left it, and so welcoming after too many stressful days.

Into the sling, and the tail went in with only a few gasps. Though, better, my back still isn't 100%, so there wasn't much fetching to be done, but just being there on my knees before Him....such a wonderful feeling of relief. He brought me to two feet and buckled my wrists to the chains then, and just started playing with me, teasing and milking me relentlessly. He was gentle for so long that i actually started to wonder why He was being so nice to me. There was a little bit of ball-slapping, and every time He did that...it was just incredible and i knew i needed more. There's an old joke that runs 'A masochist says, "beat me," while a sadist says, "no".' That's pretty much where i was, wanting and needing something harder, and Him not giving it to me.

He let me down from the restraints and we went ad lay down on the bed, just resting, cuddling in together, and that was even better than having my balls worked over would have been. i think i actually drifted off for a bit in His arms, despite still having all the pup gear on. when i came back around, He started teasing me again, playing with and licking my cock and balls and finally (FINALLY) started working them over. and....it was exquisite. i think now if He'd just gone straight into it, it wouldn't have been nearly so sweet. The only problem was that i was so worried that He wouldn't get to it, that i started to come up out of the headspace. i should have known better, and next time will be even more incredible, as i can let go of the worry and just enjoy the antici...................................pation.

oh, and there was flogging, too. :) i didn't get as much out of it this time as last time, as i was kind of spent and exhausted from the ball work, but i think He got a lot out of it, which makes it more than worthwhile in its own right.

ah, it's good to be back.

Rubber Night, Part 2

2010-09-17T09:11:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to (finally) wrap up what happened at the SE Rubber weekend evening party a few weeks ago. Sir got me all rubber-suited up - sleeveless catsuit with attached footies, collar, some doc martens, and my pup armband with the hood and paws in the backpack - and we set off for the Eagle to watch the Mr. SE Rubber contest. The competition was fun to see, especially the liquid latex portion where each contestant either had to paint or be painted while their "rubber fantasy" was read to the judges. The contestants were pretty hot, but unfortunately I don't have any pics of them. Or of me in the catsuit, cause we completely forgot. The only thing I do have a picture of is my own little part in the show, which came at the door prize drawing. You may remember from my last post that I took advantage of my height to get a couple of "inseam" lengths of raffle tickets, with the money going to a great cause (Pet Are Loving Support). Well, turns out my ticket was drawn, so we came home with a nice little basket of goodies.

Two dildoes, some porn DVDs, assorted silicon ball stretchers, cock sling, and cockrings, lube, lube, lube, and more lube, a ball gag, something called a "gates of hell" that I dun even know how to use...quite a haul. When I got the bad news about my back (two adjacent discs with severe damage, expect recurring severe pain for the rest of your life, etc), I spent about an hour going through the toys and trying them on to take my mind off it.

After the winner was announced (congrats G-man!), the party got started. Saw several friends, including some others i didn't know were into kink (oh, hi law student friend!). But all in all, a good time was had despite both Sir and I trying to ignore our ailing backs. Eventually, Sir pulled out the mitts, hood, and leash and put them on me before taking me on a little tour. I wish I could have taken the kneepads and followed Him around on all fours, but the back wouldn't have it. Even so, He got several compliments for having a handsome pup, which was pretty gratifying. One other sir did ask permission to pet me, which Sir granted, I enjoy that usually, but when he rubbed my crotch and made a comment about "not properly in chastity", i got a little defensive. Who the hell was he to criticize the way my Sir does things? Just because he has to put his boys in a chastity device to keep them from misbehaving doesn't mean my Sir needs that kind of crutch.

But aside from that, the evening was a great time. Loved getting to meet Ruff who was down from Chicago and enjoyed chatting with his boy du jour. The boy had the most amazing kneepads from Mr. S; I finally remembered to order a set for myself for when the back improves enough that I can actually use them.

Sir and i headed home early to get off our feet, and i was greatly looking forward to getting out of the suit. Not because i was sick of the rubber, or even the heat of it, but because of the footies. I could feel my feet starting to blister due to all the sweat that had run down my legs into the connected boots and had nowhere to go. It was probably a cup and a half of sweat bathing each foot with each step i discovered when i finally peeled the thing off. Got the gear washed up in the shower, powdered and hung up, and headed home after a great time. I'm definitely looking forward to the next Hotlanta Rubber night, even if i'm not so sure about doing the full getup every time. :)

Shout Out

2010-09-13T18:02:00.000-04:00

Big woofs and thanks for the shout out over on Ruff's Stuff. Have been enjoying his blog for a while now and got a chance to meet him at the Southeast Rubber Fest a few weeks ago.

Flogging, Take Two

2010-08-30T19:51:00.001-04:00

This weekend was the Southeast Rubber weekend, and i had a blast. Sir and i both felt that we weren’t up to heading out on Friday night and decided to save our energy for the big bash on Saturday. i’m so glad we did, because i was totally wiped out afterward, and i’m pretty sure Sir was, too.

it’s amazing how much i needed some time in the headspace. between the back pain and the steroids, my frustration level was reaching stratospheric heights. putting groceries away Saturday morning, one of the shelves slipped and dumped bottles all over the floor. i actually had to leave it all there and walk outside for a couple minutes because i knew if i were to touch any one of the bottles i would just throw it against the wall. there was such...anger and rage...bubbling up that i didn’t know how to handle it. The pain of my back, frustration at not being able to move like i want, and, no doubt, the side effects of the steroids, all added up to pissing me off at something so utterly meaningless and unimportant. eventually the groceries found their way home and i was able to get on with my day, but i was honestly a little scared at how close i’d come to losing control and doing something physically violent over such a minor thing.

That afternoon, though, i packed up a few selections and headed over to Sir’s loft. Walked in, dropped the stuff off, and we headed out to the Eagle for an afternoon cookout. there were burgers and hot dogs, and some awesome homemade mac and cheese. carb heaven! We got to meet the Mr. SE Rubber contestants, chat with some friends (including Sir’s neighbor!), and pick up some raffle tickets. The tickets were $1 apiece or $10 for as many as fit in your inseam. Nice time to be 6’2” - i dropped a $20 and had the immense pleasure of having pupNitro kneeling before me and feeding out the tickets. :) Just the sort of laid back relaxation i needed to get the earlier anger out of my mind.

After the cookout, we went back to Sir’s, and then i really got to forget the temper outburst. Stripped down, put on the collar (darn it, forgot to wear it to the cookout), and went upstairs. Sir gingerly had me lean against the pole and brought down a flogger. It was a much smaller one than the one He had used during the first flogging session. He had told me that He thought the previous one might have been a bit much for my first time, and had been looking forward to trying this “starter” one out. i was a little nervous, especially since hey, i’m already feeling quite a bit of back pain. wtf am i thinking? but Sir wants this, and i want this - i need this.

Sir started out light, slowly building up some pretty good thumps. The first few rounds were good - it started out with some light pain, then the endorphins kicked in and the lighter strokes started to feel pretty good. Each round, Sir knew just how far to push before stopping and giving me a brief rest. After a few rounds, Sir began asking me if i wanted to stop or keep going. Each time i asked Him to keep going, even as i knew i was getting very close to my limits. On the final round, Sir finished with a strike that drew out a low moan. i started shuddering and broke down a bit. Sir just held me and let me rest my head on His shoulders. it was...a wall that He broke through with the last stroke. that’s the only way i can describe it. it was the second time that day i’d had such a strong emotional response to something, and as terrifyingly bad as the rage of the morning had been, this...euphoric breakdown was just as amazingly, powerfully healing and good. Eventually i sank down on my knees, just needing to be there at His feet, leaning against Him like a good pup should, and let the tears work themselves out. They were good tears, tears of relief, not of sadness or even pain. They were tears of gratitude to Him for knowing where i needed to go and leading me there and knowing that it was as far as i could go this time and not trying to push me further.

Eventually Sir helped me to my feet, put me in a straitjacket, and made me lie down for awhile. I didn’t sleep, but i definitely dozed for some time while He worked, secure in knowing that He was nearby if i needed Him and able to just be for a bit while i came back to myself.

More on submission

2010-08-26T20:43:00.000-04:00

I've been feeling pretty run down the last couple of weeks. Between back pain, the drugs to fight said pain, and changes in work schedule stressing me out (and bringing on some unforeseen expenses, hello longer commute, eating lunch out cause no fridge, and new laptop), i really feel like i'm on the ragged edge lately. Steroids are making me not sleep well - high metabolism, sweats, tossing and turning - even with the painkillers/muscle relaxants. On the plus side, the new work responsibilities are really interesting, and some of my research work has landed me some neat speaking opportunities (and my recently published article was assigned as homework to a law school class!).

On the whole, though, i'm pretty ragged. i'm not used to a lack of libido, either. Even when i've been stressed in the past, i've found regular time to rub one out and get at least a little joy in the feeling. lately, though, i've had no interest in sex at all. I'm not even checking out the guys who run shirtless through the park where i walk the dog.

Sir did bring the new rubber suit by last Friday and had me try it on. We christened it properly with a lot of help from Him, but even still it was more of a pressure release than the usual erotic pleasure. i got far more out of the experience just because it was with Him than from the physical sensations, which is not to say it was a trial or anything, i enjoyed it immensely. But i've not felt any interest in cumming on my own since then, either. There was a brief flicker as i sat down at blogger tonite, looking at one of bootbrush's older posts, linked in one of Sir's recent entries. Even so, it was a passing thought, and more of raising an interest in sharing the experience of cumming with someone important to me than actually tempting me to take matters into my own hand.

Which brings me around, at last, to the reason i sat down to post in the first place. The drugs (three beers, steroids, and a vicodin tonite) make me ramble more than usual, i guess.

Last night, Sir and I went to an "S&M 101" class at the Atlanta Eagle, a session on proper care of latex and rubber. The presenter was another pup by the name of nitro, who's a lot of fun and one of the moving forces behind a lot of the Atlanta rubber scene. It was one of those nights where things just came together, and i was able to get away from regular plans that got rescheduled to spend some extra time with Sir and Big Brother. We had dinner first, just a nice casual chat, before heading to the club. It was nice to see folks out for the class but the best part was having Sir introduce me as "HIS pup" to some of His friends. it was the first time He'd done that, the first time the relationship had been put in words to anyone else (face to face at least, the four of you who read this probably figured that part out).

i really can't properly express how much i appreciated that. with everything i've been dealing with, feeling put upon and sorry for myself, that reminder that He still wanted me, still claimed me, was still proud of me, meant more than i know how to explain.

and this morning, He sends me an email apologizing for stumbling over the unfamiliar words. I was reading through new messages in the office and had to stop and close that one before i got choked up and had to explain to my cubicle-colleagues. to Sir, i can only say that i would have found it far harder to introduce you as my Handler, my Master, my Sir, despite knowing in my heart that's who You are. not because those things are untrue, but because i'm still too insecure, too nervous, to admit those things aloud. and yes, too afraid to put a role upon You that You don't claim first.

i managed to read some more of the email, and realized Sir had been thinking over my previous post on the nature of submission. Sounds all philosophical when i put it that way. It's obvious from that post that i didn't really know where i was going, was just putting words down as they came, trying to work through my own thoughts and issues and ideas.

and Sir cleared it all up with a single line in his email. "I hope you see me as a caring man...who feels honored that you trust me with being your guide at this point in your life."

A guide. that's exactly the word i was looking for.

Submission isn't about WHAT i do when i'm with Sir, whether it's being "forced" to be shaved, or flogged, or tied up, or put on all fours to chase a damn rubber squeaky toy. it's about the fact that i can simply let go and trust in Him to take me where he knows i want to be, because it's a place i can't find on my own.

pain is an aspect of that. doing things i don't want to do is an aspect of that. doing things i DO want to do is an aspect of that. but in the end, it all comes back to that one simple point - i trust Sir to guide me on this path. there will be dead-ends, and there will be briars, and mosquitoes, and rain, and mud, and one day, we'll break through the trees and see the sunset across the river valley. and then He will turn to me and say, "come on pup, there's a long way to go yet." and i will follow Him.

SouthEast Rubber Fest!

2010-08-23T19:58:00.000-04:00

This weekend, yay!

Shaving

2010-08-22T07:44:00.000-04:00

A couple of weeks ago, Sir had me tied down on a table so he could shave my crotch. That got me thinking as to whether it was really "submissive" to have something done to me that I was really looking forward to. I mean, I know Sir enjoyed the process, and I know I certainly did. But, it was something I'd kind of been hinting at and asking for for quite a while.

On the other hand, the fact that it was something I kept asking for, and that He withheld it until He was ready and wanted to do it seems an important part of the submission. And now that it's done, it's pretty much my responsibility to keep up with it.

And then there was the wax. You can see what He did to my freshly shaved balls in the previous post. It was an exquisitely new sensation, the painful heat of the wax dripping onto that super sensitive skin. So again, in that sense, the fact that i "let" Him do something to me that I really wanted done was turned around on me to enhance something else He wanted to do to me. Which i also wanted to have done.

It's very confusing. I guess because the wax play means submitting to (glorious, endorphin rushing) pain, it feels more like i'm being submissive than when He's doing something that only brings pleasant sensations. I recognize the submissive aspect in both, but only one really takes me further into the headspace. For both the shaving and the wax play, i started with being tied up, spread-eagled, and blindfolded, which got me partway there. But the pure enjoyment of the shaving kept me from going any deeper, whereas the stinging wax pushed me just a little bit farther with each drip until i was far and away. It took me several minutes to come back from wherever i'd gone with that scene, even well after He'd put the candles away and stopped.

Catching Up

2010-08-13T07:25:00.000-04:00

I had all these insightful thoughts I was looking forward to sharing...and then Sir started pouring hot wax on me and I kind of went away and forgot them all. Oh, hi endorphins. How ya been? Missed you.

We met up a few times over the past week, but both of us are kinda moving slowly due to back pain. Still, we both really seemed to need some time together - I know I did. I think part of my back issues come from rising stress that i wasn't able to release the way I've learned to do as pup. I did get a chance to get into pup, even if i wasn't up to much romping. Sir understood and kept things pretty low key.

Did get a chance to try out the modified, no-arms cat suit. I actually like it better this way, but maybe that's because I've always liked sleeveless shirts. Not that I have great arms/shoulders, but I still like the way it looks on me.

Slap in the Face

2010-08-04T15:43:00.000-04:00

Stopped in at the Denver Eagle during a week-long trip out west. Had a good Saturday night chatting with Jim, the owner. Nothing like making nice with someone who'll cover your tab. :) Seem to be making a habit out of meting folks at other cities' Eagles and coming back with some item of clothing that someone wants to see me in, though. :) Jim had a rubber singlet that he changed into and tried to convince me to put on a this pair of rubber translucent shorts.

I'm a little too shy to wear such a thing out into a public bar, though. But not to post it on the Internet. :)

Jim and I had some fun that eve; he did get me to take my shirt off. He smacked my ass and balls around a fair bit, which I enjoyed, though he did get to my limit after a while. Didn't take a whole lot to get there, to be honest, given that i wasn't really feeling sub.

Then he slapped my face, and I about cold-cocked him. I literally had my fist balled before I knew what was happening. I pulled away, calmed down and just said "no, safeword, red, what the fuck ever, don't ever do that again."

No idea what brought that reaction out in me, just know that it touched something that absolutely doesn't work for me.

Topping

2010-08-04T15:09:00.000-04:00

So I'm traveling in Denver this week, have the hotel room, and figure it may be a good chance to try something new. Last night, had a recon guy up to my hotel room for a wrestling match, at least as much as we could manage in about ice feet square. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed the physical contact and the workout that comes with it.

After a while though, we were both pretty worn out, and he begged me to tie him up. I had brought a few supplies (sone four foot cloth ties) and he had a roll of rope. I started with tying his ankles together, having him flat on his back. Then, I tied his wrists together with his arms crossed over his chest. I started getting into it at this point, figuring out different things for each tie (I had about a dozen). I think the clever one was looping around the back of his neck and tying into the ankle strap to pull and hold him in a fetal position on his back.

Unfortunately, once I had him pretty well immobilized, I kinda got to a "what the heck do I do now?" space. I had good access to his dick and bals, and played with them some, but he wasn't really into CBT and neither of us were into the "sex" space such that I felt like going down on him. Tickling his feet was fun for a while, though, he reacted well to that and I certainly enjoyed having that power/control.

Still, I think I need to work more on what to do with someone once they are tied up. I mean, I enjoy the process, figuring out what to tie next and how to do it, but I want to make sure that the sub is enjoying that. I also need to get better at the frank communication about what each of us is looking for - with this guy, i just wasn't sure what he wanted, whether he just wanted the bondage, or sex, or to be put in different positions, or nipple torture, or what.

With the right guy, I suppose figuring out what works could be part of the fun. With this guy, though, there was very little reaction to anything I did apart from a bit of a grin. I suppose the grin is a good sign, but I would try caressing or slapping different parts and apart from the tickling, never got any kind of sign that he liked or disliked it. Maybe with more toys (hood, gag, blindfold, flogger?) I could have found something to get more of a reaction out of him, but that feels like a crutch.

It all comes back to that energy exchange I've talked about before. The wrestling was good, there was give and take and we were pretty evenly matched. But once I started tying him up...just nothing from him. Dunno if it was my technique or if it's just the way he is. Oh well, not gonna stop me from trying again.

Red Flags II

2010-07-24T13:33:00.000-04:00

On the whole, Recon has been a pretty good experience. Most of the guys on there are at least fun to talk to, even if i'm not really looking to play with them. Every once in a while, though...well, let's let him speak for himself.

"STUD SLAVEPIG (boy)

DAMN GOOD FUCKING PROFILE AND PICS SLAVEPIG AND YOU TOTALLY FUCKING LOOKED AND SOUND LIKE THEN TOTAL FUCKING LOW LIFE SLAVEPIG PIECE OF FULL TIME PROPERTY I AM LOOKING FOR 24-7--365 FULL OWNERSHIP OF!!!!!!

AS MY FULL TIME FUCKING SLAVEPIG PIECE OF PROPERTY !!!!!!!

AS MY LEATHER AND RUBBER AND UNIFORM SLAVEPIG FUCKING LOW LIFE PIECE OF PROPERTY FOR LIFE!!!!

SO YOU FUCKING LOW LIFE SLAVEPIG YOU NEED TO FUCKING GET HERE TO YOUR NEW MASTER / OWNER DUNGEON AND NOW !!!!!

SADIST MASTER BUTCH"

Okay, sending a badly formatted, obviously cut and paste message that you probably send to everyone you see and find even minorly attractive. Really? Can't imagine why you haven't found your permanent slaveboy yet. Still, i like to think i'm a well-mannered pup, so i just replied "not really what i'm looking for, thanks."

Promptly get a response back: "YPUR LOST THEN SLAVEPIG"

Well, at least from the typos i can guess that you actually took the time to type it out instead of cutting and pasting. Just sent a simple response to that: "Not a slave, not a pig." Didn't hear anything back, surprise surprise.

And it's true. i am sometimes submissive, i am definitely a pup, but i am no slave and i am no pig. i'm certainly not your slave, pig or even (especially) your SLAVEPIG.

Idiot. :-p

Singlet

2010-07-23T09:54:00.000-04:00

So, the friend I met at the MPLS Eagle gave me a singlet in the hopes that we would get to have some sweaty lycra fun together. It didn't work out last trip, though I am going back in September... :) But, I told him that since he didn't get to tie me up in it, I would see if Sir would be willing to tie me up in it and send some pictures. Well, Sir outdid himself. I only wish I'd thought to ask for a picture of the web He put up by itself. It was a great day, and i'll mostly let the pictures speak for themselves. There were a couple of really good points, though.

First, Sir has really gotten incredible at reading my body language. Okay, pushing my lycra and jock-clad crotch into His hands as he paddled my dick and balls is a pretty clear signal that i want more, I admit. But for some reason, maybe it was the being tied into a giant spider web, i really wanted Sir to bite me. i wasn't real clear on where, or how, i just wanted to feel His teeth. Neck, or exposed sides, either would have been good. But Sir went for my nipples, and i don't think i ever said a word or asked for the biting.

As i've said before my nipples aren't terribly connected with my "erotic" sensors. At one point, i could tell that Sir was standing very close, and it seemed, from His breathing, that He must be doing something, but i had no idea what. i thought maybe he was just standing very close, admiring His work and letting me stew. Then i began to realize that there was a kind of wetness around one nipple. Sir had been licking it, probably for quite a while before i noticed. Then, He bit it. Gently, but i definitely felt His teeth, and it felt GREAT. It was exactly the level and type of sensation i was craving. Of course, He was alternately slapping my ass and my dick at the same time, which also felt pretty good.

I didn't go nearly as far into the pain as the last CBT session, but it still felt really good. Sir has described getting into the right headspace as going through a series of doorways. that's pretty close to right, but for me, as i said to Him afterwards, it's like one of those old video games - once you go into the old castle, or cave, or dungeon, you have all these branching paths and interconnected rooms. Some are deeper and more intense, and each has a different experience. There's a lot of overlap, and sometimes going through one room is the only way to get to a more intense room. For example, it seems like i have to go through the "hood/blindfold" room before i can get to any of the "CBT" rooms. But the CBT room i was in today also enjoyed nipple biting and spanking more than the much more intense CBT room i was in last time. it may also have something to do with the fact that i was in a singlet and jockstrap, which have both been a big part of my fetish since long before i got up the courage to try and BDSM.

After a bit of a rest, Sir had me strip down completely, except for the collar, and put me into a hogtie on my stomach. We were both pretty amazed at how fast i was able to go back down into a sub space - not deep, but definitely sub. Sir put my favorite red cloth around my crotch and i got pretty hard - worth mentioning because that's unusual for me. i always leak a lot of precum, but don't usually get hard from being tied up. This cloth, though....mmmm. Gotta find some of that material. :) i heard Sir go upstairs and come back, but had no idea what He had planned for me until i felt the first drip onto my butt. my first thought was that He had spit on me, but that didn't seem right. The next few drops stung and burned a little though, and i realized it was wax. i had been wanting to try wax play forever, and it was fantastic. the little pricks of heat dancing over my skin were incredibly relaxing - focusing on each point as it hit helped still the mind from other thoughts tremendously. Sir did my butt, then had me roll over and did the same on my chest. I loved it so much, i didn't even mind the sticky mess i had to clean off my chest at the end!

Unfortunately, Sir is now out of town for a couple weeks, and then i'm out of town, and my work schedule is changing so not only will we not be able to get together for the better part of a month, but we won't be able to have these weekday afternoon play sessions nearly as easily even after we're both back in town. Definitely going to need a nice long pup afternoon when He does get back, though.

Flogging

2010-07-19T21:16:00.000-04:00

Today was my first experience with flogging. It's something Sir has been planning for some time and that i have been looking froward to a great deal. To begin at the end, it was an intense experience, but I think i prefer the CBT.

We started with getting me into pup, and that part came more easily than ever. The brain was quiet almost immediately once the hood came on. And the new volleyball kneepads were great for fetch, even if i did skid around a little.

The flogging began with me off to one side, still in pup hood, tail, and paws, watching BB take his turn under the flogger. I know Sir had said He was worried that He might frighten me off with the intensity of what BB could take, but I knew He wouldn't even try and push me harder than i was ready for. Watching BB take the hits, though, really did help focus my mind.

Except for one damn thing. The ropes Sir had used to tie my legs were just a bit too tight, to the point that my feet were starting to get that tingly, fall asleep sensation. Not bad enough to need them off, and certainly not enough of a problem to take them off....but. That one little thing was a distraction that kept me from focusing fully on Sir and BB. I had to keep fidgeting to keep the feet from getting too unpleasant, and i think that kept me from getting as deeply into the headspace as I'd hoped.

Even so, watching BB's back turn red under the strokes was something else. Hearing the moans and groans, watching Sir vary the strength of the blows as BB responded....i knew i wanted to experience it for myself. I got to relax and cuddle some with BB once Sir had finished that round and i could feel the heat radiating off him. i ran my paws over his back, hoping they weren't too rough on his tenderized skin.

Sir had BB play with my balls, kissing and sucking on them some. He said it was as much a reward for BB as it was for me, and i think i'm beginning to understand that. I certainly enjoyed doing the same for BB later after my own turn taking the blows! the ropes were off my legs at this point, and no more distractions seemed to be interfering.

I kept getting further into the right space, and Sir recognized that i wanted to keep the puppy hood on for the flogging. I don't know why, but it felt right. We kept the paws on as well, since these mitts had hooks that Sir could use to buckle them to a bar hanging from the post.

He began the flogging softly, varying in intensity and speed throughout, going for several bursts interspersed with strokes and caresses. The pain was sometimes good and sometimes too much. That's the only way i can describe it. With the ball torture last time, Sir never really crossed the line into 'ow too much'. It seemed like the line there was wide, a lot of gradient where just a small bit of the pain started to be too much but was overruled by the pleasure. With the flogging though, it was a very fine line. One stroke, just slightly harder than the previous one, was too much and caused more pain than the pleasure could handle. I found that slightly softer, more rapid strokes with the main part of the flogger were the best. The harder solid strokes were okay...and i really hated the tips. Not, 'hurt me with them some more' hated, but 'i hope he does something else soon' hated. :-/

I really hadn't expected such variation in stroke style or my responses to them. Some were fantastic, and i felt like if i could just have that one stroke, just right, i'd be back in that space i was in for the CBT that i want so badly to get back to. With others, it was like spanking, only more so - there was realization that Sir was enjoying it, that He wanted me to submit to this, and that gave me pleasure, but the physical sensations were just...pain.

None of which should be construed as regret or a desire not to do it again. :) It only makes sense to try as wide a variation of strokes and intensities on a first go - otherwise how would i know what works for me? And as Sir says, what works one day won't another, and vice versa. Maybe next time the little tip flicks will be what does it for me. I'm definitely looking forward to it!

On a tangential side note, we have a primary election tomorrow, and nothing makes me want to flip to the top side like some of these political as calls. I just wish I could tie some of the candidates to a post and flog the crap out of them.

SM 101

2010-07-17T12:55:00.000-04:00

So, I'm reading SM 101: A Realistic Introduction, by Jay Wiseman. Great book, enjoying it a lot. One of the things he does is most of the pages have a quote he's overheard at some point in his BDSM career. One, in the "Flagellation" chapter, struck me as particularly close to home, though.

"(from a professional dominant): I see a lot of engineers. A heavy whipping is the only thing that brings them out of their heads and into their bodies - out of their thoughts and into the here and now."

Especially appropriate given that Sir, BB, and I are starting to think about how to introduce me to flogging...

Messy

2010-07-14T19:29:00.000-04:00

So the guy I met at the MPLS Eagle was really into singlets, much as I am. He actually brought a spare for me to wear that evening. I was hoping we'd get to play, but it didn't work out this trip. Still, at least he gave me a couple of orders, namely to take a couple of pics in the singlet. One of the pics required one of my favorite things, as i've mentioned before, and that's actually shooting a load on myself. In the singlet, specifically. Well, it took me a couple days to work up to it, but i managed. It was actually a bigger load than you can see below - this pattern doesn't really show the extent of the wet spot. Still not my thing, but there really was some growing pleasure at doing this sort of thing I don't enjoy just because i was told to.

The only thing is...jacking off in lycra really makes the tip of my dick sensitive, in a bad way. Like, painful whenever it brushes up against my underwear. Ow.

WS

2010-07-12T09:20:00.000-04:00

No, I'm still not into it, and still have no desire to be into it. But.

I'm traveling this week, spending a few days in lovely Minneapolis Turns out my hotel is about 3/4 mile from the MPLS Eagle, so I figure why not check it out for a drink after my flight. Well, it ain't nothing like the Atlanta Eagle, that's for sure. Not a speck of leather to be seen, and a much younger crowd than I'm used to at the Eagle. Had been chatting with a MN guy on recon while i was waiting to board (yay for recon's iphone app) and ran into him and his partner. Both nice guys, we hung out for a while and they told me about some of the stuff they'd seen and done at IML. Introduced me to some of their friends, including one guy who was apparently into WS. Like, really into WS. He talked about how he'd been in a tub full of piss and loved it.

Well, as the night went on, we kept talking and the WS lover kept fiddling with his empty beer mug. Eventually one of the other guys said he was going get another pitcher. He glanced at WS lover's mug and asked if he wanted that topped off as well. WS lover kind of blushed and said, yeah, with whatever you want. Well, the one guy came back with the pitcher and a half full beer mug, handed it over, and WS lover just chugged it down, a blissful little grin on his face. It took me a second to cotton on, but even when I did, i wasn't bothered by watching this guy just chug down piss in the slightest. It's still not something i'm going to try, but i guess i'm becoming more accepting of others' preferred fetishes. Honestly, far from being a turn off, the fact that this guy was willing to go for what he wanted and enjoyed, to hell with what anyone thought about it, was kinda...inspiring? refreshing? arousing? Some of all of that, I think. Almost made me wish I wasn't such a shy, retiring wallflower and have offered to top off his glass myself. :)

Pain

2010-07-10T10:20:00.000-04:00

I am the first to admit that I'm a wuss when it comes to pain. I submit to Sir's spankings not because I enjoy them, but because He does. I never really "got" masochism, didn't think I ever would be able to understand how someone could get physical pleasure out of pain in addition to the psychological pleasure that comes from submitting to such pain. Well, that changed in a big way.

Our last play session wasn't planned out except as far as being a "pup" day. We hadn't gotten together for a while and both Sir and myself needed some fun time. We started with getting me into my paws, using the sock/duct tape method with large leather mittens over top. We've found those are more comfortable than the actual mitten paws, at least for bounding around on the floor and until the others are broken in more. We also tried a new calf-thigh restraint to keep my feet off the ground that worked really well.

We played some fetch, and I really got into it this time. The only downside was the kneepads we were using kept slipping off. Gonna have to run to Lowe's and find a new brand at some point. The tail went in easier this time, too, and stayed in for a pretty long while. I' really starting to enjoy having it in and the near-giggles Sir gets when he sees me wagging it are worth any discomfort in getting it in or (more so) taking it back out later.

After a while of playing, we just curled up on the bed and relaxed for a bit. I played and chewed on Sir's nipples for a while. Then I had a strange experience. I wanted to ask Sir to play with my balls, but I didn't have words. Not, I knew i wasn't supposed to speak while "pup" didn't have words, but i had gone far enough down that I didn't really feel able to vocalize the request even in my mind, just able to kind of wiggle against him, bark and growl. Whether He picked up on my desire or just couldn't let the fact that one of my balls had slipped out of the jockstrap pass Him by without taking advantage of it. He stroked it, licked it, sucked it and pulled the other out of the pouch to do the same, which left me howling.

The howling was good - from talking with other pups, i know the howls are important to the mindset, and I was looking forward to bringing it in. The thing was, i didn't want to force it, i wanted it to be right for the circumstances. When Sir was sucking on my balls, though, the howls just started to come up. It felt good to have that release, to give Sir an idea of just how much i enjoyed what He was doing, especially since i'd wanted so badly for Him to do it.

As an aside, I've also been chatting with a couple other rubber pups (thank you all, esp. bootbrush!) over the last two weeks who have been so helpful and encouraging. Pupnitro on recon is an Atlanta local who's been chatting with me pretty regularly and let me know about the Hotlanta Rubber group. Going to miss the July night at the Eagle, but Sir and I are thinking about hitting the August meetup. May be time to punch a hole in the jeans and wear the tail out (wag wag wag wag).

We started winding down after that - de-pupping, i guess. The tail came out first, which is much less comfortable than putting it in. He undid the leg ropes and freed my paws, then off came the jock, leaving me in just a steel chain padlocked collar. I don't know if it was the attention He'd already given the balls, the sound of that collar clinking as i followed Him toward the shower, but i knew i didn't want to be done. I had come up enough from pup that i was able to speak, but I still was in the submissive space. I was barely able to ask, beg really, for Sir to do something to my balls. I didn't care what, i just knew they needed something.

I wasn't sure what He would do, whether He would do some more rope work to tie around them or what, but He sure figured it out in a hurry. He buckled some leather restraints around my wrists with steel grip handles and snapped them into some chains to spread my hands. The blindfold came on along with a rubber plug gag that had a breath hole through the center. I was to be very grateful for that shortly.

He began with pulling and tugging on the balls, then slipped a ring around them. Then He began paddling them, and i went away. That's the only way i can describe it. there was no fear of pain or feeling of dread. i knew, even though He was going to cause pain, that He wouldn't hurt me. the trust in Him was so great that i was able to completely give in to the joy of the pain coming up from my balls as He smacked them harder and harder, alternating slaps with caresses. at some point He got out a paddle and kept going, and all i could say was "more, Sir" and "thank you, Sir". nothing i've read, for all the intellectual expectation, could prepare me for actually being in this space, this place, where the pain didn't feel like pain, it felt...just...wonderful. i didn't want Him to stop, even when i was sagging in the restraints and could barely support my own weight. i understand now why it's so important for the top to pay attention and watch what they're doing, despite the safeguards of having a "safeword" in play. I was nowhere close to using it, not honestly sure i would have remembered it if i'd needed it. i would have kept going as long as He would have let me. But the only reason i was in that place was because i trust Him to know what He was doing and that He would take care of me. That trust let me let go, and i've never felt anything like it. i want to go back, not sure how to find it, but i look forward to seeking it again with Him.

Afterwards, He asked me if i believed Him now when He said He enjoyed doing what He does. It took me a second to answer, but then something came back to me. During the paddling and slapping, when i was so gone that i coud only moan and beg for more, He had murmured "wow", ever so quietly, almost unconsciously. That one word was all the assurance i could ever want that He was pleased, with me and with Himself.

Dominance

2010-07-02T07:59:00.000-04:00

Apparently I'm looking for symbolism everywhere. Yesterday, I was running early to get to pool league, arriving around 5:30 when practice starts at 7:00. It was one of those cases where I'm running around doing errands and am closer to the pool hall than the house. Yes, I could have gone home and come back, but given Atlanta holiday weekend traffic, I would have spent about ten minutes at the house and the other hour+ on the road. Well, I could always start practice early, but that's a long time to play pool by myself.

So, I look around and, like all strip malls, this one has a nail salon in it. Well, my husband was complaining yesterday that my toenails are too sharp. Voila, instant excuse for a pedicure. In case you didn't believe I'm a gay man, there's your proof.

So I sit down for a mani/pedi, and it's probably the third time I've ever had one done. As I'm being pampered, I start thinking about dom/sub relationships, and the mental attitudes of service, and so far. The parallels aren't perfect, of course - I'm paying these women to take care of me, they're not doing it because they get any personal satisfaction (as far as I know) out of it. But there's still a sense of power in having people working to take care of you, and there's still an energy exchange. I'm polite and smiling, they're cheerful, we're talking as they work, and there's a definite sense of relaxation in the air. Is part of that because they want a tip? Sure. But it could be a completely different "scene" if any of us were in a grumpy mood, if I, as the "top", were scowling, imperious, demanding, critical, etc.

I guess this all brings me around to thinking of the differences between the energy exchanged when I'm "pup", "sub", or "slave". Pup is where we have the cheerful exchange of positive energy. It's a chance to completely unwind, forget the pressures of daily life, and be in the moment, totally focused on just being happy to be with Sir. "Sub" is a subtly different flavor of energy, somewhat more demanding. I have to keep a conscious attentiveness to Sir, to follow instructions, to be aware of everything He's doing. He's still my focus, and I'm still glad to be there, but it's more of a two-way energy link where I'm feeding Him my submisssion and He's feeding me His dominance. The "pup" energy, on the other hand, is more of a cheerful broadcast. If you've ever watched a litter of actual dog pups play, you know what I mean - just by watching them you feel re-energizd and joyful by the way they have no cares in the world. They're not just feeding on/off each other, they're giving out to the world in general and absorbing some of your joy in watching.

"Slave" is the one I still don't know, though Sir and I are getting closer to exploring that. We discussed the possibility for a slave scene some this week. That discussion really helped me realize what the divider, for me, between "sub" and "slave" is. As "sub", I'm still Sir's boy, still protected, willingly submitting to Him, knowing that what He does, even if it involves pain, is for me and my benefit in addition to His pleasure. "Slave" is where humiliation enters in, where Sir forces me to really push my limits, both in terms of what I'm comfortable with, what and how much pain i can accept in a scene.

The scene we're planning is based around my "Sparta" halloween costume. We started with the general idea of a captive, interrogation scene. I know I want to use this as a chance to push my pain tolerance, if only because of the inspiration of the Spartan soldiers would push me to accept more. I also told Sir that I wanted the scene to involve a collar and rope, being dragged to my knees by it. We haven't really explored the humiliation angle in our previous play, but this seems like the right time to introduce it. Forced humiliation doesn't work in the pup play; in its way, the whole "dehumanizing" could be seen as humiliating, though it doesn't feel that way to me. But humiliation and fickle punishment, though, just strike me (hah!) as out of place, even when discipline (off the couch!) fits perfectly.

We also discussed whether the scene should be just the two of us, or whether another person would add to to it - I don't know. Part of me says that being "broken" by a single person would be more submissively satisfying. Another part says that having someone else there, even someone just watching, seeing my "defeat", would add additional, different energy. More updates to come, I'm sure. :)

"Proper" Bondage

2010-06-28T21:07:00.000-04:00

Today was incredible. Sir decided today would be two things - a ropework-as-art day, and my next step into more of a sub headspace. There was to be no pup today; the gear never even came out of the bag. Instead, I walked in to a command of "strip" and immediately found myself in cuffs and collar.

Sir then bent me over a chair and gave me a bit of spanking as punishment for allowing myself to doubt His sincerity about continuing to want me to visit. The message came through loud and clear, but I'm sure Sir will find some other reason to smack my ass.

The big focus of the day, however, was ropework. Sir took the pictures I and Big Brother had selected and applied his own interpretation of them to us. Mine wound up being a little less stressful, I think, than the original, but that's probably for the best since it's the first time I'd really been bound with rope. Especially since, as Sir later informed me, I'd been in it for close to two hours before He let me down...

Lots of thoughts ran through my head as I was being tied, but they steadily quieted down. As He worked, my brain was still working, never quite going into what i've heard about true "sub" space, but I was focused on Him, His touch, and what He was doing. All the random thoughts, rather than being the normal day-to-day crap that flies through your mind, were revolving around what He was doing. For a while, the image of a spider wrapping up a fly dominated, especially accentuated when He licked my dick to get some of the precum and i started thinking about how He was going to suck out my juices.

I also actually started thinking about how a couple of friends that I know are into the bondage scene, both submissive, would react to something like this. Especially if I were to be on the tying end - they've both hinted that they wouldn't be averse to such a possibility in the past, but I hadn't been terribly confident that I could do it. Now, though, I'm starting to wonder...

Sir was wearing leather gloves for a large part of the time, and the feel of them, whether pulling a rope around or across my skin (and Big Brother's right, that is an incredible feeling), smacking my ass, or playing with my dick....yeah. I don't get the thrill out of wearing leather that some folks do, but i do love the smell and feel of it on someone else.

And speaking of the feel of things...that red loincloth is some kind of stretchy fabric that i pretty well soaked with precum. Sir used it to jack me off some and just let it pull and rub across my dick and bals even when He wasn't paying particular attention to them. I must have gotten hard a dozen times over the course of the session, and was definitely feeling a little of the old blueballs by the time Sir let me down. Of course, He had to let Big Brother give me a little teasing as well, first. Not that I'm complaining, mind, it was just very, very intense. :)

When Sir did go to let me down, I had to hang on to Him or Big Brother to keep on my feet. The ropes held most of my weight, and allowed enough flexibility to sag back or lean forward into them. But, my feet were starting to tire - that "standing on a hard, flat surface" soreness you get from working retail. I've been behind a desk long enough that I'm out of practice, I guess.

We took a few minutes to decompress and come up out of the space my head had gotten to before Sir started work on Big Brother. He put me in a leather straitjacket, which was kinda cool. I'd never worn one before, and kinda liked the limiting without being absolutely held in one position. I was able to shift my hands and arms around a little to keep them comfortable as i watched Him tying up Big Brother, who was getting to experience a much more stressful position. Of course, BB also had on the nipple clamps, which while scary to me, probably helped him cope with the strain. :)

All in all, a good day, no "OW" moments, and looking forward to next time!

Boots!

2010-06-27T13:16:00.000-04:00

I dunno how I forgot to include this in the recap of the last session. One thing Sir introduced me to, before moving on to the tail, was His boots. I never really thought i would get into the boot worship/polishing/licking thing, and i doubt i'm going to be going into the bootblack trade any time soon, but i really did enjoy being told to lick His boots clean. It helped some that the boots were already clean and polished - I'm not sure i'd have been so eager if they were caked in mud. :)

It does remind me of one Fantasm, there was this hot, thin bootblack in the dealer room. I was wearing my gortex hiking boots and a kilt (regimentally, of course). I sat down in his chair to get them polished up and he just dove into the task with relish. Full polish, wax, and he used a hair dryer to warm up the leather and open up the pores. I had been wondering if he was gay, then he used the dryer to lift my kilt and gave me a wink. Score! Met up with him later in the eve and let him polish something else...I suppose that was the first time i'd ever been in a semi-dominant position. I enjoyed having him "serve" me by polishing my boots, among other things, and he was more than willing to please.

Looking back, I now recognize something i've only recently started to drill into my head. That while he was doing something I consider a necessary chore, he was truly engaged and enjoying it. He took an enormous amount of pride in doing a good job, and that work ethic is something I can really understand and appreciate. And I was very glad when, just before he'd finished on my boots, a woman passing by the booth stopped and told me how lucky I was to have him working on my boots because he was so good at it. The bootblack kind of faltered, but then redoubled his efforts, with this huge grin on his face. I don't remember the woman's name, but the bootblack explained that she was one of the most well known bootblacks in the country herself, had won competitions at multiple big leather fests and BDSM cons. I knew that praise from someone he truly admired and respected had just made his day. I passed him several more times that afternoon and he still had that silly grin on his face.

And this is why I write these blog entries. It started out that I wanted to make sure Sir knew how much i appreciated Him introducing me to something new, something i probably wouldn't have sought out on my own. By the end, i've gotten a better understanding of how and why someone chooses to sub and/or serve and how that service can bring them immense pleasure and pride - even when what they're being praised for can be seen by some as demeaning.

Armband Revisited

2010-06-26T21:50:00.000-04:00

Last post today! Armband came in, and it's fantastic. Kudos to the Leather Creations crew for the superfast turnaround time!

Puppy Day

2010-06-26T21:42:00.000-04:00

Another play date yesterday. No world-shattering mental insights this time, but it was still a big day. My "tail" and leather paws arrived and this was the day Sir would first put them in and on me. I'd been doing my best to "wag" my ass, which Big Brother (His partner) always seemed to enjoy, but this would be the final step.

He started with putting me in a rubber jock, leather harness, and the paws (a bit too small, hoping the leather stretches out some). He trained me some on heel and stay, and had to give me a few swats to the ass to keep me off the couch. I was still thinking a bit too much at that point, but it "felt" right to try and push the boundaries and give Him a reason to give me a little discipline. I think I needed it after the day I'd had so far. It felt good, oddly, to have the (very light) stinging give me something else to focus on. Also of note is that Sir used a gas mask instead of my puppy hood - it was neat, gave me a slightly different perspective. I think Sir may have been inspired by this pic, which is not me (as much as I wish I looked this good in rubber).

After our walk, He added a scarf blindfold, tied me to a pole and warned me that pup was due for a little grooming. Not too much, just a little of the chest hair around my nips - I think Big Brother wants to be there for the full bushwhacking. He played with my nips some as well, which was pleasant. They're definitely not hardwired to my pleasure centers (yet, He says) like my ears are though.

All of this was pretty much a prelude to the main event, though, which was Sir putting my tail in for the first time. This was also my first time in a sling, which probably should have been a bit more of a shock. I was so focused on the tail that i didn't really even think about that!

It took a fair bit of prep with fingers and lube before I was ready to try and accept the large (to me) butt plug that holds the tail in. Sir was very gentle and took it quite slow, which I was very grateful for. The first time the tail went in, it kind of spooked me - the plug part shot up inside once I was past the thickest part and i just wasn't ready for that much. Sir recognized my concern immediately and started working it back out.

It was a little disappointing to have to take it right back out, and Sir said that we wouldn't try again today - He didn't want to hurt me. After a few minute's rest, though, i asked if we could try again. We'd both been anticipating the tail's arrival for quite some time, and I didn't want to let him down. I was pretty sure that if it didn't slip in all at once, it would be OK once it slowly got into place.

And it was. :) Sir slowly opened my ass with His fingers again. (And again, after the cell phone interruption, dammit.) He slowly slid the tail in, holding the thin section between the tail's exterior base and the plug so that it didn't all pop in at once. It was uncomfortable at first, but once it was in place, it started to feel pretty good. Clenching my ass made the tail wag up and down apparently, and I got to practice that quite a lot for Sir.

He helped me down from the sling so I could go around on my paws and see how it felt as i walked, and also so I could see myself in the mirror. The only downside there was that He had taken my pup hood off, which allowed me to see better, but also meant I could see my face in the mirror as well. That was more of a scene interruption I think than the cell phone call had been. Instead of being in pup headspace, enjoying having a tail at last, suddenly I was back in my own day-to-day head realizing how silly i must look with a collar, leash, harness, and black dildo hanging out of my ass. Still, on the whole, it was a fantastic scene for me. And when we were finished, Sir sent me a snippet from bootbrush: Less than human...? that describes so well what I'm looking for and feeling.

"It's funny - many people see a pup and think that they are being degraded or humiliated by their role. They often see the play in terms of BDSM and humiliation scenes - that the pup is being *made* to act like a dog, or is being treated *as though* it were an animal; that it has been 'de-humanised' and turned into a beast...

But for pups like me, that's not fully the case. Our pup-hood is a voluntary and gleefully embraced identity. i'm not forced to be an animal, since i already know that i *am* an animal (we all are!). Culture, Society, life - they are all good things, but they do sometimes wall us in behind Expectations and Social morays, Deadlines and Analysis - they distance us from our very real and very natural mammalian selves - and it's needs and desires.

Being pup allows me to re-embrace that self - and so i thankfully kneel to accept my Handler's collar anew every time. That collar does not remove me from myself or rob me of my humanity: it allows me to pull inwards from the distractions and busy-ness of my ordinary life, and to embrace a deeper, more focused and emotionally freer state. i let go of distractions, let go of thinking and rationalising - and simply let HIM become my prime focus."

Insecurity

2010-06-26T16:01:00.000-04:00

So if you've read this far, you've probably figured out that I have a bit of personal insecurity. This whole new exploration into BDSM has really brought that fact to the surface of my mind. Prior to this, I'd always thought I projected a pretty solid air of confidence. Honestly, and leaving modesty at the door, i am generally pretty confident - I'm successful at my job, and I tend to do well at most things I put my mind to. I don't think i'm reckless, by far, and i try not to let my confidence turn into overconfidence. I'm well aware of when I'm at a "just enough knowledge to be dangerous" level when dealing with a new experience, at least.

But in dealing with Sir, i've realized that one of the things I'm really looking for out of these scenes is just to hear "good boy." That simple affirmation is very important to me for some reason. As I've written before, my brain seems to equate "passive" with "lazy" - I feel like I should be doing something other than sitting there being tied up. I mean, I know I'm enjoying it, but all I have from Sir is his words that He is enjoying it, too. That should be enough - I mean, I trust Him enough to TIE ME UP, I should be able to believe what he tells me in words, right?

Maybe it's just that I spend too much time around lawyers, who tend to be very careful about what they say and tend to be very good at stating all those polite little social fictions. You know, "No, of course you're not bothering me (despite calling me at 7:30 AM on a Saturday to ask a question I already explained)." It's a game that's so common in my daily life - and one I like to think I play pretty well myself - that it becomes hard for me to take anyone's words at face value.

That just makes my...reliance on...desire for....addiction to?...hearing those "good boy" words all the more confusing. I don't have to stop and think about whether He really means it when I'm in that headspace, it just works for me, comforts me, and reassures me. I still don't know why my brain can't make the same connection when He says that He really does enjoy the work of putting me into the bondage.

Even some kind of action to accompany the words doesn't make me really accept them in my heart as true, though the fact that He keeps wanting to have these scenes with me should be more than adequate to get through even to my idiot guilt complex. I think I'm getting better, at least, and I realized today that there was something Sir does that seems to do even more to convince me that He wants me there than anything He could ever say.

Every time I've gone to visit Him for a scene, He's opened the door with a big grin on His face.

I guess some BDSM folks would say that grinning is inappropriate to the scene, that it takes away from the serious aspects. That Doms and Tops should be, well, dominating, and how do you intimidate, or break, or compel someone when you're grinning at them? That the Dom should be "in scene" from the very start to help send the sub to the right headspace. His grin works for me, at the start at least. In the middle of a scene, it might be distracting, but the genuine pleasure on His face when He first sees me standing outside His door is, I think, what will finally get the truth of His words through my head.

Sticky

2010-06-26T12:23:00.000-04:00

One of the things that always bugged me about sex is that it's messy. I do not like being messy, or sticky, or dirty. At all. Like, borderline OCD, possibly past borderline. I have gloves in the kitchen for handling raw meat, partly for preventing cross contamination but mostly because I can't stand to touch it with my fingers. I've been known to wash my hands in between cracking eggs for an omelette. I have to keep the honey jar wrapped in paper towels to be able to pick it up.

This issue seems to have some odd constraints - I don't really mind getting sweaty, but I sure do look forward to the shower after a run and it does get to bother me if I don't clean up promptly and the sweat starts to dry. I don't mind being sweaty in the rubber suit, but peeling it off is...well....icky.

I never jack off onto myself, always into a towel or tissue, and i never use lube (to jack off, at least) for this reason. Lube on condom on dick is okay, but i prefer to let my partner rub it on rather than touching it with my own hands. Needless to say, I do not let people cum on me. Not because of any risks, real or imaginary, but because cum is one of the most horrific substances on earth to have on my skin.

I hadn't really talked with Sir about this in any detail though He knew I didn't really like being dirty. So, to push me a bit, He asked me to jack off into a jockstrap and wear it to meet Big Brother, who is apparently my polar opposite in this area. This was a bit of a challenge for me, but I sucked it up and did as He asked me. I even tried to get into the spirit and asked if I should go for a run in the "soiled" jock to add some sweat to the mix. The answer was a definite yes, so I followed through. Big Brother certainly seemed to enjoy licking and sucking on the jock, and having him do that while I was still wearing it was certainly a nice reward! Big Brother also got to keep it in his mouth as a gag later in the session, and looked like he was having a grand old time. That in itself was pretty rewarding, as i felt like i'd been able to do something for him, even if it wasn't something i'd ever want anyone to do for me. :)

I did let Sir know that the jock was kind of a challenge for me, but that I was willing to do it because He asked me to. We still hadn't talked about my OCDish issues, though, and He decided to push me further by asking me to jack off, at home alone, wearing His collar. I was to shoot on my chest (ew), let it dry (oh god yuck), and then send Him a picture (I can handle that). I did as He asked, and recorded a short clip of the cum shot and sent that to Him. About an hour later, with the horrible, sticky, nasty dried cum, I took another pic and sent it to Him. I think He (and Big Brother) enjoyed seeing the video and pic a lot more than I enjoyed making them. :)

We chatted about this assignment, and my "sticky" aversion some, and He apologized for pushing me harder than He intended. Way to add to the guilt complex, Sir. :) But He was truy grateful, and i was glad i was able to please Him. It sounds simple to just say that, but the genuine pleasure i got at having made Him happy made the experience worth it, even if i hope He doesn't ask me to do it again too soon.

It is a boundary I should push, I suppose, and i'm trying to find some new ways that might be a little more fun during the experience. This pic that occasionally pops up on the recon login page is strangely attractive to me, despite grease falling into the category of things i don't want on my body. I dunno if it's the pose, the mask, or just that the guy is hot, but maybe, just maybe, i could try getting something like this done to me. I would never be able to rub the grease and grime on myself, but i might enjoy it if Sir or Big Brother were to do it to me. as long as there was a shower and a lot of lava soap nearby. :)

Hot Video

2010-06-25T10:56:00.000-04:00

Live Performance "Tryst @ Little Red Studio 05/2010" from Twisted Monk on Vimeo.

Stole this from wolvesperv's blog...yeah, the guy in the vid's (Twisted Monk, I guess?) tying up a woman, but it's still pretty hot, with great music. What really captured my interest is the gas mask the Dom is wearing with the spotlight on the front. If I ever do go to tie someone up (and I think I will), I totally want to do a scene in the dark with one of these...leave the sub un-blindfolded, but only able to see what I choose to illuminate as I work. Mmmm.

Red Flags

2010-06-25T10:22:00.000-04:00

So maybe I'm just paranoid, but I've noticed that I tend to be super sensitive to anything people I'm chatting with about scenes and play have to say. I realize some things can be misinterpreted, which is especially easy in a medium like instant message chat or messages on recon, but when that's the first stage of contact, you go with what you've got. Today, I was chatting with someone from recon, and we'd moved to IM. He's handsome, claims to have a fair bit of dom experience, slightly younger than me, and planning to visit Atlanta in a couple weeks. Aside - I love playing with Sir, but even He has encouraged me to explore other scenes - when I'm with HIM I belong to HIM, as he says. I know part of me belongs to Him even when I'm not with Him, but I recognize that neither of us is really looking for or wanting exclusivity here.

Anyway, I look at this guy's profile, and I see he's got the usual laundry list of things he likes to do. He's definitely got a more "sexual submission" angle going - several pics are of him fucking the guys he's tied up. I'm okay with that; as I've said, being fucked isn't my favorite thing, but i certainly don't mind giving it up to a sex partner as long as he's got a condom. But he also has a branding gallery, where he actually burned his initial into a sub's shoulder. That's pretty extreme to me, and was the first prickle of warning. Still, it wasn't a red flag, per se, just put me on alert.

We chatted a little longer, talking about available gear, interested scenes, etc, but I still had this little prickle. Then he asks "how often do you party?" I answered "Never, and the fact that you ask that question is a red flag to me." He responded that it's an important question, and I can't disagree. It's very important to me to know not to invite into my house someone who would "party" while in a BDSM scene. That was pretty much the end of THAT conversation. I just wish Recon had a way to store private notes on people so I can remember why not to play with them. :p

Armband....

2010-06-22T20:46:00.000-04:00

Want. :)

Ropework assignment

2010-06-22T19:24:00.000-04:00

Sir asked me to review a particular bondage top's work, Domasan's gallery, because He really liked the rope work that Sir used. Domasan is very artistic with his subs, and has a great eye for photos. Sir asked me to pick one of the photos in Domasan's portfolio for Him to try and put me into. I thought this would be easy, but the assignment really got me thinking about the minor variations in poses, knots, additional gear, and so forth. Both pictures in this post are (C) by Domasan and are used here with His permission.

I really had to think about what aspects of each version I liked and what I wanted to experience in addition to what Sir would want to do. I finally narrowed it down to two. One was a boy tied face down with legs spread, each ankle pulled out to the side by a different piece of rope. His hands are bound together in the small of his back with additional ropes that loop up the front of his chest, over his shoulders, and appear to go around his neck. I like this one because the boy is exposed, at his Sir's mercy. He's face down, and despite being unhooded, unable to see what his Sir is doing or may be planning, and the arms clasped behind the back is such a traditional submissive pose.

The second pose I liked was quite different. In it, the boy stands, his arms bound into a stress position and tied to his feet so that he must hold a particular posture. The gag appeals as well, and because it's the same one Sir bought for me, this one "feels" right, like it's meant to be. I also like the fact that the ropes are looped under the jock pouch, pulling it out some. Jocks are one of my favorite things, after all, and I enjoy wearing them for Sir and for His partner, who really enjoys them when I've been sweating (and dripping precum) in them. I expect I'd do lots of both while this was being done.

Long story short, I'm asking Sir to work on the second one. Pics hopefully to come!

Playtime

2010-06-22T16:35:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, Sir scheduled a "buffet" of short scenes for me and his long-time partner (boy?). It was the first time I'd met His partner, and I think it went well - i certainly enjoyed meeting and playing with him! We did a few different things, none of which were super sub headspace inducing, though starting me off in the pup role certainly helped put me in the right frame of mind, which is to say relaxed. It's amazing how giving in to that "transformation" can help settle the synapses.

I can't really express how different these scenes are from how i imagined they would be. Not in terms of physicality, though there is some of that, but in terms of mental states. I'm obviously still at the a little knowledge is a dangerous thing stage in my learning, but i've already come to realize how lucky i am to have such a patient and understanding Sir. Even if He's perfectly willing to volunteer me as a practice dummy for another, less experienced top to learn ropework (can't wait!).

The best place to start I suppose is with how having a third person changes the dynamic. I'm glad Sir told me up front not to worry about getting into the headspace, to just relax and soak up the feelings like a sponge. Having the other "sub" there added a complexity that, under other circumstances, I think would have helped me get into the headspace. It sort of goes back to a pack mentality - if the more experienced sub, one who knows how to get into the headspace, has been doing it for so long that it comes easily, is already calm and submissive, i think it would be easier for me (or another inexperienced sub) to get there as well. In this case, neither of us were being particularly submissive, but we were both having fun and that energy exchange was just as tangible.

Without going into a blow by blow of everything we did, I want to touch on a few high points / learning cues. He began by putting me into mitts and buckling a collar around my neck that His partner had bought for me as a gift. That acceptance into the pack was very important to me, and helped put me into the puppy mood right off the bat. Sir took me around to the kennel cage and there i first saw his partner. He let me into the cage so I could get to smell and lick my new playmate, which was a lot of fun. To make it even better, Sir's partner had also bought me a stuffed toy that he threw for me to fetch a few times. It was a great way to be introduced and really took a lot of the external worry out of the equation.

He wrapped me to a pole (using plastic wrap and duct tape) while His partner helped. I still felt the guilt of being the focus of attention while they did all the work. Oddly, I didn't feel that way when His partner began playing with my feet, even licking my toes. I guess cause I've played with guys who really enjoy other guys feet before, it's easier for me to accept that he wasn't just doing it for me, that he actually enjoyed it as well. Of course, it also helped when we flipped places and I got to help Sir put the same wrappings around His partner. I enjoyed that aspect of it as well, which may have finally broken through some barriers in my head that doing the "work" can be fun too. Especially when Sir cut small holes in the plastic and let me chew and play with His partner's nipples. :)

He also tied me and his partner together, back to back, and we had to wrestle to try and free ourselves. That was so much fun - it gave me something to focus on so that my mind wasn't racing around thinking of other things, plus I got to grope His partner's ass. :)

We went upstairs and He prepared me for a bit of discipline. He had me lie face down, my arms and legs restrained, and began slapping my ass lightly. He explained that it was important to keep breathing as the slaps got harder, and that the reason for having subs count out the strokes out loud was to insure that they didn't try and hold their breath, which only makes the pain worse. He worked up to a paddle, alternating strokes with caresses, both with his hand and occasionally running his goatee over my stinging skin. The feeling of that right after the stinging pain of the paddle was amazingly heightened. He promised that the rewards would be worth the pain, then told me He was going to give me ten more strokes. I had to count outloud for each blow, and I won't deny that i had tears in my eyes by the end. I started off barely able to say the words, but the force of my voice seemed to get stronger as the blows became harder. I was gasping by the tenth blow, but i felt so good at having made it through and i could hear the pleasure in His voice at having administered them. And the fact that my reward was Him letting His partner rim my ass certainly proved that He hadn't been lying about that!

Rimming is (yet another) of one of those things, like footrubs and massage that I've always enjoyed receiving, but never gotten into giving to others. I mean, I can rub someone's shoulders or feet because I want to give something to them, but it's not something I just do because I WANT to do it. It's kind of like being fucked that way - I'm not one of those bottoms that gets off on being fucked, it's somewhere between don't mind and kinda fun on the scale of things I'd like to be doing. And I'm not sure I could ever bring myself to rim anyone at all. It just kinda icks me out, however much I enjoy having it done. And add another item to the guilt complex. I guess the main area I feel like i can give back enthusiastically is cock sucking, and Sir gave me a chance to shine there after He tied His partner to the chair. He ordered me to get on my knees and thank His partner properly, and I hope I did so satisfactorily. I certainly gave it my all!

The last thing we did that day was to strap me into a leather harness. He carefully chained my ankles and wrists to the ceiling so I could be suspended, more or less vertically. The straps crossed under my crotch, which was kind of worrisome - i've been in climbing harnesses for rapelling before, though, so it didn't come at me completely cold. It took quite a bit of trust to let my weight come fully off my feet, though, especially since I've had a mis-tied climbing harness in the past, and that was no fun at all! Once I was up, though, and completely in his power with my wrists and ankles restrained, the feeling was great! Of course, Sir giving my ass a little swat and pushing my dick into His partner's mouth wasn't exactly a burden.

We collapsed soon after that. Despite being "passive" throughout most of the four or so hours we'd played, I was totally wiped out by the end of it. I made it home in time for dinner with MY partner and a friend, but fell asleep in the car on the way home. Still, slept well and soundly and got up in time to get going on a run the next morning.

Tail and paws coming soon, I can't wait! I also want to explore flogging, but I'm not sure how i feel about mixing the two scenes. It's easier for me to get into the pup headspace than the sub space, but they seem pretty distinct right now. I definitely want to submit to the flogging by Sir, i just don't know that it feels right to combine it with the pup space. Transitioning between the two seemed a little jarring the last time we tried even though i asked, nay begged, for some discipline while in the pup space.

Quick Aside - Mindset

2010-06-20T20:40:00.000-04:00

Wanted to jot this down, even though I'm in the middle of writing up a long post of the last session with Sir. One of the things I've struggled with is differentiating different mental states when talking with Sir. There's "puppy" state when i'm not allowed any verbal words, which may or may not overlap with being gagged. There's submissive state, where i shouldn't talk except to respond to Sir. There's casual play state, where i'm kind of submissive, and certainly being subjected to one thing or another, but aren't really in a particular headspace. And there's "out of scene" space, where I still call him Sir but we're communicating as friends rather than as dom/sub. Some spaces are much more serious than others, which is tough for someone like me who's used to being a smartass in pretty much all situations.

The casual play space is probably the most confusing, as there are multiple levels involved. Particularly when i was playing with Sir and His partner, i was bouncing back and forth between fully submissive (didn't spend much time in puppy) to just short of "out of scene". For example, when i was tied up and His partner was helping, i was pretty submissive, but when I was untied and was helping Sir with the wrappings around His partner (and I really need a better way to refer to him here without using his name!), i had to remind myself that i was still serving Him and that it was not the time for casual conversation. Then there were other times that we were working to get me or His partner into some position that it seemed appropriate to make comments on what was going on, what i'd been thinking, how sexy He or his partner looked, etc. I also sometimes felt freer to act independently, such as by nibbling on His partner's nipples without specific instructions. At least with His partner there as a more experienced sub, I could take my cues from him. I would make a note of things I wanted to talk about, and wait for him to raise a point or make a joke or something before speaking.

In discussions with Sir, we've kind of established that collar on/off is a pretty good delineator. Barring specific instructions from Him, when the collar is off I can feel pretty free to speak or raise ideas/questions. Different collars also have a different mental significance to me - his partner bought me a collar as a gift, which i wore during our casual, three-way play session. I think that collar now signifies the casual play space, whereas the leather collar with Sir's dog tag on it signifies a deeper, more serious headspace.

Sir's verbal cues are also important to me figuring out which headspace to be in. "puppy" and "sub" are both pretty deep headspaces, though "sub" is more serious than "puppy". Not because i'm cracking jokes in "puppy" space, but because "puppy" is just more playful and joyous. Him calling me a "good boy" generally pushes me further down the scale, whichever side i'm headed towards. "Good pup" or "loki" or a specific pup command pushes me more toward "puppy". Other instructions, or being on two legs in general, push more toward the "sub" space.

perfectionism

2010-06-18T18:04:00.000-04:00

Even chatting with Sir over IM can be an eye opener it seems. We were talking about what we'd been through in the previous session, and discussing ours and our respective partners' reactions. I began talking about how one of the things my partner had mentioned to me was that he was surprised i was able to show that much emotion, because although he'd never thought of me as "cold", he would often use the word "stoic". The only time he ever saw a strong reaction was when I was angry or frustrated - and the less important something was, the more frustrated I would get. break a yolk while separating eggs, or over/under salt something i'm cooking? towering inferno of anger at my own inability to cook anything. can't beat a level in a video game? throw the controller and break it. Gods know i can fume and hold a grudge for months when someone does something rude in traffic.

Talking with Sir, though, I kind of realize that a lot of my baggage comes from the root cause of essentially being a perfectionist. Well, okay, maybe not my anger against idiot drivers, but i'm pretty sure i'd be abnormal if i didn't feel that way. i'm generally far more forgiving of other people's mistakes than i am of my own.

But when i do make a mistake, i agonize over it. I lose sleep. I don't even try to logically analyze the problem, figure out how to correct it, and move on, i just stew in the anger, frustration, disappointment, and general feeling of failure.

So when i wasn't able to cum on command for Sir, it was just that much worse. Not only had i failed to perform to the perfect standard i expected myself to, regardless of the fact that i knew that i'd never managed to have perfect control of my dick in the past, but no matter how much Sir assured me that he didn't care, I couldn't believe Him. It's the same way when i have a cooking "failure" - i can taste all the flaws, no matter how much others seem to enjoy it (and go back for seconds).

Still haven't figured out how to deal with this, but making the connection that it seems to stem from the same root problem is a good step.

emotional breakthroughs

2010-06-17T10:27:00.000-04:00

So, Sir had me on my back and began adding more duct tape to immobilize my legs. He also taped my paws to my stomach; i could still roll around and wiggle some, but i couldn't really get away, or avoid His touch. He put in one of my favorite toys, a bit gag, He tickled my feet a little, and i was surprised that they were more sensitive than usual. i'm typically not very ticklish, but He does occasionally find a trigger spot.

Then He began focusing His attention on my dick, and everything went to hell. As Sir has said, the white elephant in the room is my dick. I have to work on getting past this feeling of obligation that if i'm not hard, or i don't cum, that i've let Him down. My dick would occasionally harden as he played with it, but it didn't last. Even when He played with my balls, which, along with my ears, tend to be my trigger points for an erection, it just wouldn't stay hard. He slipped a finger in my ass, which felt fantastic, but even that didn't help. I cuddled up against Him, reveling in the way He was praising me, calling me a good boy, and a good pup, and that helped, but just wasn't bringing me to cum.

Then he said, "come for me boy, make your Sir proud" and I lost it. I started whining and whimpering because i couldn't do it for Him. even when He released my paws to let me try and jack myself off, I just couldn't get it to happen. I felt like such an utter failure that I couldn't do this for Him that I actually collapsed into tears. He realized what was happening and gathered me into His arms, just holding me while I worked it out.

I never imagined this depth of emotional response would be brought up out of me. I've always felt that showing weakness like that in front of another would make me even more of a failure, as a "man", I suppose, which just reinforced the turmoil I was going through. It's hard now, two days later, to try and recapture just how shaken i was at this experience. The downward spiral of my emotions was truly horrifying - on top of all the other emotions, now i was convincing myself that Sir would think he'd brought an idiot into His home who not only couldn't perform sexually on command, but was also mentally unstable. I just KNEW He would never want to see me again, not want to deal with this kind of shit.

He didn't throw me out, though, and we've been in contact over the past couple of days where He's assured me that He does want to see me again. We've planned our next meeting, and it sounds like we both realize that we may need to just not worry about orgasms. I wanted to cum, but mostly because I felt He expected of me; He wanted me to cum, I think because He thought I expected it. We were sharing energy, but it was the wrong kind of energy. In theory, our expectations should work together to heighten both of our experiences, but here they seemed to work at cross purposes.

We talked for a long while afterward, and I tried to explain what had happened. I couldn't stop apologizing, even though He assured me that I had nothing to apologize for. It was comforting just to lie there, with the tape off, naked and showered, and have him hold me and "pet" me. After everything that had happened to expose my naked mind, i didn't think twice about being physically naked in His presence! Eventually, He asked me if I would try to cum again, no pressure, just to shoot on His chest. I think He realized that I needed to do this, not because I needed to orgasm, but because I needed to rebuild my own confidence that I wasn't "damaged". He lay down on his back and I just stood by him, jacking myself off, not focused on anything but wanting to do this for him. And it worked - the rhythm was just as natural as the thousands of times I've jacked off at home alone, though the fact that He was fondling my balls with his booted foot made it more intense than being alone, certainly. I did cum, fairly easily and quickly, thanks to our having been sitting and chatting and relaxing together long enough to work the "performance anxiety" out of my system,

I'm looking forward to our next meeting - I'm learning so much from Him. I think once we take the pressure of expectation of orgasm out of the equation I can make some real progress toward the "calm-submissive" headspace that's been eluding me.

woof

2010-06-17T08:34:00.000-04:00

writing this as it comes, yesterday was an intense session. I went over to Sir's, wearing my new slickitup jock under my work slacks. We started off trying a few different things on - harness, chaps, vest - for future use. Today was to be something a little different, though and I didn't need to be wearing any clothes for it. I stripped down to just the jock, and He began by having grip one rolled up sock in each hand and pulling another over my fists. He then wrapped both paws with a layer of cling film and duct tape, so that I couldn't move or use the fingers. Once my paws were wrapped, He buckled a small black collar around my neck and fastened my tag to it "Loki - Property of Sir". I got chills as this went on more than anything He'd done before.

He led me upstairs, had me strip off the jock (and lick some of my own pre out of it, hot!), and locked my wrists into the ceiling chains. He then proceeded to wrap the rest of me in the saranwrap/duct tape combo. He explained that he'd done this for mummification, but that He was leaving my arms and legs separate this time so I'd be able to walk. It started getting pretty hot and sweaty almost immediately, but I was so interested in the sensations as he wrapped layer upon layer over me that I didn't really mind. it took quite some time, and my only real disappointment was that while I could see a lot of what he was doing because I was facing a mirror, I couldn't see the new collar and tag dangling from my neck. I could feel the tag bouncing around, and the leather around my neck was very sensual, but i wanted to see them, see the effect against my skin.

Up to this point, i still wasn't really in any particular headspace. Having me lick and sniff my own jock had been a good first step, but we hadn't really pushed beyond that so my brain kind of went back to "normal" gear afterwards, which means thinking about three different things for me. We'd chatted a little as he was taping me up, and I certainly enjoyed the process - my dick's drooling and half-mast status were probably evidence of that - but I wasn't really feeling submissive, per se. Bound, certainly. :) When he was done with the tape, though, he slipped my pup hood over my head, strapped on some kneepads, and had me drop to my knees. That, and trying to move with the restriction of the tape, started to shift my mental gears a bit.

He started by telling me that we were going to work on a few commands today, and I replied "yes Sir." He smacked me immediately to remind me not to use words while in the hood, and that really got me headed in the right direction. He began giving me commands like "sit", "come", and "beg". Beg was my favorite, since I got to get up on my knees with my paws wrapped around him,

Sir led me downstairs (walking upright, not sure I could have managed them on all four paws, let alone with all the tape, and the hood obscuring my vision). He let me romp around after him on all fours for a bit before taking off the hood. That was probably for the best while doing command training, since the rubber up against my ears was so squeaky i could barely hear him! The hood is great for getting into the headspace, almost as good as the collar/tag, but it does interfere with some things from a practical standpoint...like Sir's next treat. It's kind of embarrassing now, but at the time i was in the right "pup" headspace to get incredibly excited when Sir held up a red rubber squeaky bone. I think I actually started drooling! Sir let me play with the bone and had me fetch it several times. He had to work a little on the "release" command, though! Part of that came from me wanting to play up the part and provoke a little discipline, but it was also just what "felt" right.

He led me over to the bed to relax for a while, and I grabbed the bone in my teeth to bring it along. We lay in bed for awhile, just being there, with me curled up against Him. I kept chewing on the bone for a while, but eventually just let it drop. He started rubbing my belly, which felt oddly pleasant against the duct tape wrappings. He played with my puppy dick for a bit, and i enjoyed kind of wiggling against him and licking his hands and face. I was surprised how natural it felt to just lick and sniff him as we sort of relaxed in bed. Afterward, during our "debriefing", we both realized that neither of us had truly relaxed, but we did at least get to a sort of lower energy state. My brain still wasn't fully in the sub/pup headspace - the closest was when I was playing fetch with the bone, I think. Having that focus to pour my energy into seems to have been an important key.

I really enjoyed just being curled up next to Him, being in contact with Him. body contact is very important to me - when He was wrapping me in the duct tape, i was constantly dripping pre, but I only got hard when He wrapped his arms around me to loop the tape around my back and i was able to put my head on his shoulder, press against His body, and inhale His scent. I'm not talking about the "raunchy" scent some guys get into, that doesn't really do it for me, but just being able to nuzzle into His neck and smell His shower clean skin and beard mixed with the rubber (neoprene?) vest He was wearing.

I also enjoyed being able to sniff around in His crotch while we were lying in bed, and He rewarded me by allowing me to suck His cock for a bit. I felt a lot of relief at that, because although He keeps assuring me that He enjoys everything we do, from putting the restraints on me to going through the (admittedly silly) puppy games, i still feel guilty for not doing more for Him in an active sense. I guess I just want to feel like I'm actively giving Him something, and sucking His cock is something that I KNOW i enjoy, and i can be fairly sure that He enjoys as well. He certainly was hard (and tasty!).

After cuddling and playing in bed for a bit, He led me over to the kitchen where i was able to drink some much needed water, from a bowl on the floor of course. I was sweating like mad in the duct tape suit, and glad for the chance to just "be" in puppy mode for a little while. He played tug of war with the rubber bone for a bit, had me fetch it a couple more times, all of which i enjoyed more than I would have thought possible. I got tired pretty fast, though, it's kinda tough to move in all that stuff, and eventually He had me roll over on my back and told me to STAY.

The next part deserves its own post, so...

-- to be continued --

First Date, Part 2

2010-06-14T21:11:00.000-04:00

He talced the suit and helped me into it, and I got to experience another new sensation - being completely enveloped in rubber. Sir locked me into leather cuffs that he chained to hooks in the ceiling. Despite being another restraint, it was completely different from the hogtie on the floor as I was standing, and my legs were free - I could move around, but only as far as the chains to each of my wrists would allow. I couldn't get my hands back around to touch any part of my body, no matter how I twisted.

He left me standing there for a bit, twisting and testing the bonds, before holding me still with one of His hands and sliding a gas mask onto my head. I'd seen pics of guys in gas masks before , but I have to admit that when He first put it on, I was wondering what was up with it. I mean, why use a gas mask rather than another hood? Is it just because they're more readily available than specialized bondage hoods?

He put some tape over the eyepieces so that I couldn't see, and then began wiping down the suit. This involved spritzing some kind of cleaning spray over the rubber, which made those spots instantly cold against my skin. He ran a cloth over the rubber to clean off the extra talc and any fingerprints, and I just sagged into the restraints as His soft touches relaxed me.

I was starting to sweat in the suit, despite the chill cleaning solution. I then heard a zipping noise and suddenly felt cool air over my crotch as He fished my dick and balls out through a small opening in the suit. He fondled me a few times, rolling my balls around in His hand before slipping a band around them. They instantly began to get hotter, despite hanging out in the cool air. He remarked on how much I was leaking, and seemed pleased that I was making a bit of a sticky mess in the crotch of the suit. In order to keep me stewing in my own juice, so to speak, he tucked everything back in and zipped it up.

He then began stimulating my body, especially my ass and dick, with a small vibrator. This was pleasant, but not especially exciting. It was a good, low stress, low stimulation experience, though, while I was getting used to being in the suit (and sweating like mad) and being chained to the ceiling.

After a few minutes of this, he pulled my balls back out of the zippered opening and put a band around them. He left them hanging out for a couple of minutes and played with the breath hose attached to the gas mask. He would hold the end of the tube against the rubber suit for just a few seconds, not long enough to worry or panic me. This was also a new sensation, but was kind of confusing. I didn't make the breath control connection until He explained it later; I thought He was just putting it in different places so that I would get different scents - he put it inside the suit so I got the sweat smell for sure. I assume he also put it against his hand - I could kinda smell some of the lube he'd used when he briefly tugged on my dick. On and off throughout this, he would occasionally play with my dick, and I started getting embarrassed that I didn't have a hardon. I even apologized for it, but He said not to worry about it. Easier said than done, though at least I was leaking enough pre-cum to hopefully at least send the message that I was enjoying myself.

After this, he released my arms from the chains and led me backwards into a chair. He took the gas mask off for a bit so I could watch him loop ropes around first my arms before replacing the mask and moving to my legs. The effort that went into the rope work must have been incredible, and this is really where I started feeling guilty. I was enjoying all of the sensations, even being tied up and held in the chair, but felt like I was having all the fun while He did all of the work. This kind of set up a feedback loop with the embarrassment that made me feel even more like I was taking advantage of His time and generosity.

He moved on to my legs then, after putting me back in the gas mask. I still enjoyed it, especially as I leaned a little into Him as he moved around me securing the ropes. Once I was fully roped in, I heard him bring a chair over to sit in front of me, and he began playing with my dick again. He tugged a little, sucked on it a little, which was incredible not least because it was unexpected. I suppose one of my pre-conceptions of bondage play was that the sub isn't necessarily supposed to get off, or if he does, it's certainly not because the top is blowing him! I always pictured it as more the sub being forced to service the top's cock. One of the (many) things I need to rethink; this type of play/scene can occur as an erotic thing without necessarily being a sexual thing.

He brought back the vibrator again, running it over my thighs, my banded balls, and my dick. He also slipped a finger and then the vibrating dildo into my ass. I was amazed at how good it felt; I'm not one of those guys that either seeks out or avoids getting fucked, but it's never done much for me. I usually just see it as something to do for a guy I'm sleeping with, knowing they'll get more out of it than I do. This was different from that, I suppose in part because there was nothing I could do to stop Him from putting whatever he wanted in my ass.

He also swapped out the gas mask for the hood built into the suit. This was even more confining than the gas mask, as it was tight fitting rubber with only a couple of nose holes. The gas mask, even with the eye holes taped over, still let a little light in. I couldn't really see anything except some shadows moving as He circled around me, but the change was still significant. With the rubber hood on, I had no idea where He except by following His touch on me. He maintained fairly constant contact at first, which I appreciated as I got used to the total blindness.

He also looped a collar around my neck and attached a chain lead to it. This was definitely a key trigger for me; I had shivers as he buckled the collar, and the sensation of the chain dragging across my rubber clad skin was truly electric.

I was really starting to sweat in the suit now, and He exacerbated that by really starting to pull on my dick. It had jumped to full mast with the collar, but kinda wilted as He played with it; again, I felt guilty that he was pleasuring me and I felt like I wasn't doing anything for him, and the feedback loop just got going again.

He switched back to the vibrator, running it over my legs and crotch again, but that wasn't really doing anything for me now. I don't know, but I kind of got the sense that He was kind of bored with it too, and maybe I picked up on that energy.

That changed when he switched to an open palm and gave my banded balls a swat. The energy was totally different, like He'd been waiting for this and anticipating it. That really made the difference - even though the vibrator was pleasant, it didn't do anything for me sexually; the swat was anything but pleasant, except that I could sense how much He seemed to enjoy it, and that made it incredibly erotic.

From there I leaned into Him as best as I could, and He started to really work on my dick. The insecurity started to come back, but this time, whether He picked up on it in my body language or what, He helped snap me out of it just by saying "that's a good boy". Almost instantly, my dick was rigid again. I pressed harder into Him and he picked up on the clue immediately. He started talking more as He jacked me off, calling me a good boy, saying "you like that don't you boy?"...I honestly don't know what all He said...except when he called me "pup". That was another key word for me, and I started whimpering every time He said it. It didn't take long from there before I shot a load. I have no idea how much I came, but it felt like a lot. After, He told me that it was kind of an impressive distance.

He pulled the hood off and slowly undid the ropes before helping me peel off the suit. I was drenched with sweat and had to pace myself sipping the water He brought me. I was able to stand a few minutes later, though still a little wobbly. I showered and we just talked for a while before I felt calm enough to actually drive. A lot of the thoughts put down here came from that conversation, and I'm amazed at the sort of mental analysis it's led to. I jokingly called it a therapy session when i discussed it with my partner later, but it's really accurate. It lets me explore different sides of my personality, lets me relax in new ways - something i've never been very good at. I still feel guilty, though not least because I should have helped clean up the mess. The suit was a sweaty, precummy, sticky wreck, and there was lube dripped all over the floor.

Paws!

2010-06-14T20:14:00.000-04:00

Ordered a set of Strict Leather paws today. Can't wait!

Saving a Link

2010-06-14T16:15:00.000-04:00

Puppy play website, for further research. http://www.intlpuppycontest.org/apm/contest/pup_411.html

Run

2010-06-12T09:44:00.000-04:00

Tracking my workout progress...
6/12: 3.92 miles @ 9'46" pace
6/9: 5.86 miles @ 12'46" pace
6/3: 3.05 miles @ 10'01" pace

Leather Tie

2010-06-12T08:19:00.000-04:00

Found an old picture of the leather tie - not quite the elegant job a pro could accomplish, but it was fun to put on!

Gloves

2010-06-12T08:13:00.000-04:00

The first Sir I talked to on Recon had mentioned that he had a thing for gloves, especially leather gloves like motorcycle or driving gloves. While I was out shopping for the hood, I saw a good deal on a set of pvc-cuffed leather driving gloves for $10 and couldn't resist. I could hardly wait to see him on Skype and show them off, I was so hoping he'd be pleased. I watched all afternoon but he wasn't on that day. The next evening, I messaged him as soon as he came online, just a "hello sir, how are you today?", and he immediately knew something was up. "What's got you so excited?" was his reply. I was a little embarrassed at how easily he read my mind, but I explained that I had picked up something I wanted to show Him.

I started the skype call and slowly pulled on the gloves, hoping they pleased him, and they did. His groan of pleasure over the chat was all I could have wanted, made all the anticipation worth it. I'd made another connection - that it made me happy to do something solely because it pleased Him. His appreciation of the gloves had made me hard; when he told me what a good boy I was, I damn near came without touching myself.

Part of the realization I've faced while working my way into this headspace has been that, despite being a pretty headstrong, type-A, generally confident person, I seem to have some buried self-esteem issues. This man I've never met in person can turn me on just by telling me what a good boy I am, and it keeps me going all day. I'm beginning to really understand how some subs can go through pain, flogging, stress, denial, what have you just because doing so pleases their masters. Granted, I didn't go through anything uncomfortable - all I had to do was drop $10 on a pair of gloves and cope with my own impatience - but I think the principle is the same. I'd have been willing to face a lot more just to hear that "good boy."

The next point I have to think about is that there's a definite difference between submission and humiliation. I've seen some of the masters chatting with subs, both their own and others, and I realize there are different styles and preferences on both sides. That said, seeing a top denigrating a sub for explaining that he prefers to play with clothes on and that what the sub wants should have no place in the scene actually pushed me away from the sub headspace. Of course, there are presumably some subs who want that kind of abuse, who want their desires completely sublimated to the tops. I mean, I'm perfectly willing to do some things that others might find humiliating - kneeling before a Sir, sucking His cock, licking his boots, even. But I guess my ideal headspace is different from others - I certainly have no trouble understanding that others would find what I enjoy to be insulting enough to put them completely out of the mood! I suppose the fact that there are "tops" and "subs" in the first place is proof enough of that.

First Date

2010-06-12T07:30:00.000-04:00

So on Monday of this week, I left the office and went to my first face-to-face meeting with Sir. We had chatted on Recon and IM quite a bit over the weekend, and He seemed eager to help me explore this new interest of mine. Despite not having discussed my pleasure at being told what to wear, he had asked me what I wore to feel sexy. When I told answered "jockstrap", he told me to wear one under my clothes to work, and think about the sensations as I went through my day. I did, and those feelings were a constant reminder of what I had decided to do.

With a lot of hookup sites, it seems like even when you agree to meet with someone, there's maybe a 25-30% chance that both will show. I've never been big on random hookups, and any time I try and meet someone, there's always doubts running through my mind about whether I want to go through with it. I've flaked on people on occasion, I'm sorry to say, though I remind myself that it was only when I was suspicious about something - whether the circumstances (you want me to climb over the apartment complex fence, what?) - or something they said made me wary. Gods know people have flaked on me, plenty of times, and usually it's more relief than disappointment. There's something fun and risky about contemplating a quick hookup that never seems to carry through to the actual encounter.

There was never a question of that happening this time. I never second-guessed my decision to go. I suppose there were a few brief flashes of insecurity - what if I knock on the door, he looks at me through the peephole and decides I'm not as cute as my picture and just refuses to answer? But I never once considered not going. Part of that was I knew that if I chickened out, apart from pissing off a perfectly nice man who'd gone to a lot of effort to talk with me and discuss what I'd been thinking, I'd probably never actually follow through.

My insecurities aside, the door opened and a gorgeous man in leather and rubber uniform pants, shirt, and tie stood before me. He welcomed me in, and as promised, there was no chit chat. We had discussed my interests and limits beforehand, and so he brought me in, told me where to stand, and put me in a pair of cuffs before gagging me with a rolled up bandana. I was still unsure what all to expect, so I stood there as he slowly looped rope around me and eventually laid me on the floor completely hogtied.

The sensation of being bound up, still clothed, mind, and lying on the floor of what was, for all intents, a stranger's home, was like nothing I could have imagined. It was hard to process everything - the feel of the ropes, being unable to speak except for grunts, not to mention blind. I was also still riding the adrenaline surge and sexual excitement from having arrived in the first place, which just made my brain spin even faster.

Sir left me hogtied for sometime before removing the gag and untying me, but leaving the blindfold on. He told me to remove my clothes - trying to keep balance to remove socks while blindfolded I'm sure was a comical image for Him - and wait. I did so, standing naked but for the blindfold until He returned, carrying a rubber suit.

-- to be continued --

Gaga

2010-06-11T13:41:00.001-04:00

And yes, this video helped kick off my renewed interest in leather...

Shopping

2010-06-11T11:42:00.000-04:00

I've always enjoyed Atlanta Leather Company's store. From "assistance" in trying things on, like jockstraps, cockrings, etc to the simple smell of the place, it's always an exciting place to visit. The first time anyone ever exposed me to any kind of sexual pain was there, when I was shopping for a cockring. This was several years ago, when I wasn't really serious about exploring my leather/BDSM interests, but ALC has always had a nice selection of jockstraps and underwear, some other favorites of mine.

This particular visit, the salesman saw me looking at the cockrings and asked if I'd ever just used a leather tie. I said no, so he took me back to the changing rooms, had me drop my jeans and underwear, and proceeded to wrap my dick and balls into an elaborate configuration with a four foot long, 1/2 inch wide strip of soft leather. I was in ecstasy, and knew I'd be buying it (well, I'd dripped precum all over it at this point) even if I had no hope of ever recreating complicated knot he put around that separated the nuts off to each side of my hardening dick. Once he was done, he looked up at me, smiled, and smacked my protruding balls. It wasn't painful, just a playful swat, but that fear all men have kicked in with a quick shot of adrenaline.

Instead of covering myself, though, my hands instinctively clasped behind my back and I just gasped "thank you, sir". I still don't know why I said it or where it had come from - I'd barely even watched bdsm porn at that point. The salesman just laughed and said "I knew it." I walked out of the store still wearing the tie under my jeans, and played with it by myself for quite a while before it wore out. I should go get another one...

Last week, however, after starting to realize that I wanted to get serious about this exploration, I decided to visit again and told myself that I would just pick out something that called to me, other than the jockstraps that were my usual purchases. The leather vests are cool, the motorcycle racing outfits are sexy as hell, and I'd love a harness, but none of them quite called to me. I kept circling the collars, but it felt wrong somehow to buy one for myself. I almost went with a pair of leather cuffs, but then a shelf of hoods, tucked away in a back corner caught my eye. Several of them were interesting, but on a top corner was a "puppy" hood - black, with abstracted, triangular yellow whiskers. I was absolutely transfixed and finally got up the nerve to ask if I could try it on. I was told I could, and the salesman (not the same one from the leather tie!) helped zip up the back, and led me over to the mirror. The eye holes are a slightly perforated section, so I could see the effect in the mirror, and it was just incredible.

I bought the hood, my first piece of "rubber" gear. I haven't had a chance to play with anyone in it, yet, but here's hoping.

Welcome to Recon

2010-06-11T11:14:00.000-04:00

So for the first couple of days, I started looking at some profiles and messaging with a few guys, and faced the first big challenge - did I have the courage to actually talk about my BDSM interests with anyone, even, or especially, a total stranger? I poked my nose into the chat rooms, and just hung back watching. One guy went out of his way to talk to me, and I greatly appreciate him. We switched over to skype so we could video chat, and despite meeting on a "sex" site, we never saw each other's dicks; only shirtless. Even so, it was an enlightening experience, from a relaxation exercise where I simply closed my eyes and listened to his voice to assuming and holding a stress position at his command.

One of the more thrilling aspects tome was when he asked me what gear I have. the answer is not much. I have a couple of pieces of leather - a vest and some pants, lots of jockstraps, a wrestling singlet. He told me to put on the singlet, off camera, and come back and show it to him. It was the first time I'd been "ordered" to wear something just to please another guy, and it felt amazing. I've had hookups in the past, and I would always ask, casual like, whether I should wear anything special. The answer, invariably, was "whatever". It was just coming off anyway, right? But being told to wear something in particular, just because he wanted to see me in it...that was the first step.

First post

2010-06-11T11:03:00.000-04:00

Dunno that anyone would read this, but I wanted to put this stuff down somewhere. I'm just beginning to explore BDSM, and putting my thoughts in words seems to be the best way to process it for me. This blog will have pictures and content that is most definitely adult in nature. If you don't want to read about gay sex, bondage, submission, etc...well, you've been warned.

About me: I'm in my 30s and in my "normal" life, I'm a lawyer. I'm better off than a lot of other lawyers (hey, I have a job in this market), but it's still a heavy-workload, high stress job. I am not aware of ever having fully relaxed; my mind is always doing three things at once. Even writing this post, I have two work documents open, the World Cup in the background, a couple of IM conversations, and am keeping track of emails with my assistant. I hate vacations, unless they're organized and planned in advance, with a schedule. Being late is a cardinal sin to me. Pretty much a typical type-A personality.

I have a partner, we've been together close to a decade He's a wonderful man and I love him dearly. All the more so because I've discussed these interests with him and while he doesn't share them, he does encourage me to explore them. Our rules are simple: 1) play safe, 2) come home at night, and 3) don't hide anything.

This all started because two weeks ago, I saw an ad on queerty for Recon, a gay/fetish/personals site. I signed on, and immediately realized this was what I'd been looking for. I signed up with a fairly basic profile - basically saying I was totally inexperienced, but wanting to explore my submissive side.

Let's see what happens.