ResponsibilityI have three pups in my pack now, Tebow, Emrys, and Pepper, each of whom have their own personalities and their own needs. I 'own' only Tebow in the sense that he wears my collar, but they all submit to me in their own way. I enjoy spending time with each and every one of them, and I enjoy the pack dynamic and energy we've been building. I like to think that my guidance has something to do with that, but sometimes I make mis-steps. I recognize that I have some form of power over each of these three pups, and sometime I forgot the old cliche that 'with power comes responsibility.' I have a responsibility to use the power they have willingly surrendered to me in a positive way.
I failed at that this weekend. In one instant of a smartass, offhand comment, I wounded Tebow deeply - and I didn't even realize it. On Friday of SELF, after helping set up the men's play dungeon, Tebow and I were having sex. Shocking, I know. But for all that we play, I had never really fucked him until then. And it didn't go well - I tried to take it slowly, not to hurt him, but it just wasn't working. For the next 24 hours he would frequently remind me that his ass still hurt, in a half-joking manner. Saturday evening, the pack was all in our room and I made a comment that "Pepper's a better bottom, and Emrys can take more pain, so why would I need you?"
I have a lot of excuses I could offer for saying that, but that's all they'd be. I didn't mean anything by it, and I shouldn't have said it, because that one offhand remark did more to hurt Tebow and raise divisiveness in the pack than just about anything else I could have schemed, plotted, or planned.
Taking PainI get my kicks as a Dom by giving anyone who subs to me just a little bit more than they think they can handle, and I don't keep scorecards to compare between them. If I'm waiting to use my new whip on Emrys, it's not because I want to keep that toy exclusive to him or because I'm bored with playing with someone who doesn't take as much pain. It's simply because I'm not confident enough in my whip-handling skills to keep the intensity at the right level for just anyone and I know Emrys will be more tolerant for any mis-strokes that bring a little more pain than I intended while I get the feel of it. Whether the person I'm topping can take hours of beating with a dragon-tail, or can go off into happy headspace with a few strokes from my buttery floggers is really not that important to me beyond knowing which sort of sub they are so I can give them a great experience...and so that their experience will feed their energy back to me.
At Sir Alan's caning class, He talked a lot about empathy, and how His slave can take a lot of pain and throw it out into the room. The 'kinder', for lack of a better term, empaths sat away from the direction His slave was facing, but I loved sitting near his head and catching that energy he was throwing off. Even though I wasn't the one delivering the strokes or the pain the slave was riding, it was still exactly the kind of energy I enjoy. That energy quality has little to do with how hard the sub is getting hit and everything to do with how they're processing the sensations. For me, finding exactly the right balance for any given recipient is the challenge, and catching the energy they put off when you get it right is my reward.
SexI've said before on here that sex isn't the reason for me to play in BDSM scenes. Often, it's a nice by-product, and having a boy thank me with a blowjob is never unwelcome. But I've only really integrated fucking into a scene a couple of times, and it's always been more work than pleasure. It's as Tebow told me afterward, 'I think I like the idea of getting fucked better than actually getting fucked.' The idea of tying some hot guy down and taking him against his resistance is an awesome fantasy, and I'm sure it works for some guys. For me, it goes back to my previous point, that if I'm not giving them what they want and/or need, not always the same thing, or if I'm not doing something I really enjoy, it spoils the moment and the energy flow. Does fucking someone feel good? Sure. Is it my favorite thing in the world? Not even in the top 25. If the other guy isn't enjoying it, it ranks even lower.
tl;dr: I regret my words to Tebow and the pack. You're all part of my family, whatever role or relationship we have with each other.